||This happened in Crusader Kings 2.Mods used in this game:
-Satanism Plus
-Options of Life
-Merciless Ruler
-A bunch of little tweaks too numerous and mostly irrelevant to bother listing.It all started as a stupid border skirmish. Julien’s wife, Ligach Mach Mathgamna, Lady of the matrilineal realm, made the mistake of prodding a neighbor who was A) looking to expand and B) secretly a worshipper of the Dark Lord, Satan. Namely me. That’s when Crusader Kings 2’s grand reputation finally came to make sense to me. How this stupid, shitty, boring game became some of the most fun I’ve ever had. That was how I got started ruining a man’s life like no man that ever lived.It started with their children. A boy and four daughters. The boy was 8 years old, I believe. The girls 1, 5, 7 and 10. One by one I had them abducted until they were all in my dungeon. First things first, I sacrificed the 1 year old to my dark master simply because I don’t have time to deal with a fucking infant. After that I put the girls under house arrest where they remain to this day and where they shall stay until they’re old enough to take as concubines. The boy, though. That’s where it really began. I had the boy castrated, then doped up with a slow-acting-but-fatal poison and sent home. His only son came back a eunuch. And then died about two or three weeks later.Needless to say, mom and dad were PISSED. The thing is, they were one tiny province on the island that was boxed in by my three and the rest of the island had similarly expanded their realms. They had no options for expansion. They were stuck. So that’s when I decided to start fucking with them.I laid seige to their land, pillaged a bit and went home. Managed to snag the father, Julien, and bring him to the dungeon. I had ruined this man’s family. His daughters forever beyond his reach, waiting to come of age so that I could turn them into little baby factories, their daughters given as gifts to other lords and the sons sacrificed to Satan to buff my dark powers. His only son was castrated and then dead before it could even matter. His little province was a looted wreck. Now here he was in my dungoen, and I’m thinking “how could I possibly make this worse?”I thought of a way.After letting him stew in his cell for a week or two, I subjected him to the same treatment as his son, sans the poison. I’d taken his only son–his entire lineage–away from him and now I’d taken his ability to ever sire another one. I sent him back to his wife like that. Limp-dicked and limp-spirited.Eventually wifey got uppity again. Maybe she was pissed off about her spaghetti noodle husband or something. I don’t fucking know. I pushed her back into her little log hut and gave my people a new target. Her. Eventually they managed to snag her and drag her to my dungeon like her entire family before her. So I’ve got the only one left technically untouched and I’m thinking “now how can I make this even worse?”I thought of a way.I raped her. In her cell. Several times to ensure that the seed took. Figured I’d make amends for taking his son and his ability to MAKE sons away from him by giving him one of my own. I kept her in the cell for a while to keep tabs on her until I knew she was pregnant. By the end of this, she had acquired the cynical trait. That trait, for those unfamiliar, has a tooltip reading “this character is a cynical unbeliever, disliked by the clergy but good at intrigue”. I had broken this woman’s faith in god.And then something baffling happened. Before I’d even let her go, word got out about her “infidelity”. She became known as Ligach “The Unfaithful”, shaming both of them. That one stopped me. It’s at this point, I think, that my entire kingdom became a tool for making one man as miserable as theoretically possible.While I was distracted dealing with an actually threatening neighbor to the northeast, she died in her cell. Julien lost it and challenged me to a duel. Julien did not win this duel. In fact Julien came away from it wounded without leaving a scratch on me, limping home on his now bum leg to lick his most recent wounds. I let him live, you see. Not out of the kindness of my heart (you should know better by now) but rather because it was more fun to keep him miserable. It was at this point that I noticed the “antagonize” button, which I had completley forgotten about. So that was immediately clicked. With that I left my spies to watch him while I turned my attention to the rest of the island and the fight for the Irish crown so he had a few months of relative peace. Then the war ended and I had free time on my hands again.It was maybe two months after the war had ended when my spies came to me with a report. It seems that Julien, in his incredible depression, had turned to compulsive eating to try to fill the wife-and-children-shaped hole in his soul. So of course I immediately outed him to all the other lords as a glutton. Naturally. That’s a sin, you know!Julien was upset again. But, uh… while Julien is a lot of things–dickless, limpy, last of his name, suicidally depressed–what he is NOT is smart. Julien challenged me to another duel. But this time I had my people in his court. So this time I was able to confer with them before the fight and hatch a little plan.Come the fight, Julien’s very recently sabotaged armor pretty much just fell right off. And before he could tell what had happened, I swooped in on and struck at his exposed side. I was rewarded with a scream and a large spray of blood as Julien fell to the ground, clutching his abdomen. Julien came away from this second duel with two new traits: “severaly wounded” and “maimed”. Once again, I let him live. At this point I’m not really sure what I’d do without him to play with.Julien had remarried, I noticed as I checked out his info card. The heiress to the throne. No idea if she was old wife’s sister or what. But he had himself a new wife with several children from a previous marriage. Fuck if I know what happened to the last husband. All daughters, hilariously. Julien had also, after our first duel, undergone an update to his portrait. He now wore a bloody bandage like a crown. Well after this second duel his crown was accompanied by a nice smattering of his own blood across his face. Poor bastard. Well, I thought to myself that I’d had a good idea last time but I’d kind of fucked up the execution on account of the sudden flair up of hostilities on the far border. So I tried again. I nabbed two of their daughters and this time I just had them put to the sword in a public execution. New wife was LIVID. Julien, though? Not so much. Even his opinion modifiers (how he feels about me) remained largely unchanged from what they were before. I’d broken him. Or at least I’d broken that layer of him, anyway.I didn’t bother waiting for new wife to come at me. She already had a target on her back. After two failed attempts, my brothers in darkness manage to snag her. What follows was an encore performance except this time I remembered to watch her and release her once she was confirmed to be pregnant. And by “release her”, I mean I had her eyes burned out and sent her stumbling her way home to hubby with a little less up top and a little something extra growing below.Unfortunately that is where the story of Lord Cucky McNoballs ends. I stopped the game there to write all this down, transcribing the events from an ongoing Steam chat I’d had with a friend throughout the night. Within mere moments of resuming play, however, I recieved the news that Julien was dead. “Julien has passed Away”. I guess I will have to find another plaything to torment now. Dead at 29, presumably from his wounds given that the cause of death was “died a maimed cripple”.And strange as it may sound, I’m going to miss that poor, stupid fuck. The poor, poor, dumb, dickless fuck. But his memory will live on. Particularly through his daughters from his first marriage who, you may remember, are still alive and currently being aged like wine in a gilded cage until they’re old enough for me to breed them like sows and pass out the offspring to my allies like party favors.This game draws things out of you that you never knew were in there. This game opens you like Pandora’s Box. Except there’s no hope at the bottom. There’s just more boxes.||