For a long while, I just felt depressed. Sadness with no real link to anything, so it felt, no real “way to feel better.”
 
After Bronycon, I felt different. I wouldn’t feel depressed, I would feel anxious. Angry. Upset. Uninspired. I’d have to remind myself of that.
 
Today, after dealing with what seemed like an endless thing at work, to find another one coming right up behind it I felt as close to depressed as I have in a long time.
 
Trapped in a job I need to keep to survive, a job that’s “just ok” but not the kind where I could ever buy a house, make a living like my parents did. Being made to feel guilty to “take a day off” to feel like I’m living life and doing things I enjoy. I work harder to get my work done quicker so I can spend less time at work and make less money. I never smoke, I never drink, I never watch Netflix, I never play any of my videogame systems, I rarely visit friends, I’m lucky to make art and listen to records when I do. I spend everything I make on take-out and records.
 
When I feel the most depressed, is when I have to face my shortcomings. I’ve learned to avoid them, to hide them and to mask them. They are what makes me sad. It’s not nothing.
 
I’m scared on the inside, and I never face those fears, as much as everyone tells me “that’s the only answer.” I don’t progress in life. I stay in old stagnant waters, and try to make the best of it. I have a short temper, and when I yell at people in other cars, I know I could never be n a relationship. I think offensive thoughts about vulnerable people, which feels like my mind does it just because it knows it can.
 
So much of my life is me trying to make myself comfortable with what I have, rather than expending the effort to reach the next step. If I can make other people happy though, it’s not for nothing. I could be dead already, but I’m not. So I can be better then dead of I’m worse then functional. It’s alright.
 
It’s not depression, it’s a deep rooted sadness. And feeling the pain properly can help you to deal with it.