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Things Pandemonium is Not Allowed to do in Ponyville
1: I may not professionally breed parasprites.
2: I may not ask unicorns if I make them horny.
3: In the same vein, I may not refer to Princess Celestia as the horniest pony ever.
4: Poison Joke is not a good garnish.
5: I am not the reincarnation of Discord.
6: I may not paint the town gray and then wake Twilight up by tap dancing on her ceiling.
7: She does not find this romantic either.
8: I may not ask Pinkie Pie to help me make my crush on Twilight known.
9: Note to self: Propose first, organize bachelor party second.
10: Gluing feathers to Big McIntosh doesn’t make him a pegasus.
11: Nor does allowing him to jump off of the roof during my bachelor party.
12: Note to self #2: Big McIntosh can’t hold his liquor.
13: Note to self #3: Applejack, on the other hand, can.
14: So it’s a pretty bad idea to tell her that she can only make a claim on my virginity for one more night.
15: The next morning when I’m hanging upside-down from the roof, I may not tell the Cutie Mark Crusaders that I’m earning my cutie mark in bondage.
16: It is wrong to tell the CMC that they can earn abduction-themed cutie marks by kidnapping Twilight and delivering her to the cathedral on time.
17: I may not write a letter to Princess Celestia complaining that Twilight stood me up at the altar.
18: I do not embody an Element of Harmony.
19: I do not embody an Element of Chaos.
20: Even if I did embody the Element of Madness, that doesn’t mean that I would be allowed to deliver epic Foe Yay to Twilight.
21: I may not try to create the Elements of Chaos in order to do this either.
22: I may not ask Time Turner where he keeps his TARDIS.
23: He wouldn’t let me come with him anyways.
24: No, not even if I Pinkie Promise that I’m only going to make good changes to history.
25: Just because her name’s Twilight Sparkle doesn’t mean that she’s a vampire.
26: I may not ask her to turn me.
27: I may not offer the pleasure of an immortal me as an incentive to do so.
28: I may not beg to be her prince of the night.
29: Nor may I ask to be the Luna to her Celestia.
30: I may not break Pinkie Promises for the lulz.
31: I may not break Pinkie Promises for the purpose of a tactical nuclear strike.
32: Yes, I still have to pay Vinyl Scratch for her services at the bachelor party.
33: I may not organize a rap battle between Octavia and Vinyl Scratch.
34: Nor Trixie and Twilight.
35: I may not make the prize for the winner a big sloppy kiss from me.
36: Nor may I make the prize NOT getting kissed by me.
37: I may not organize a town-wide Michael Jackson dance party.
38: It doesn’t matter that Pinkie Pie does it; she has a license to Thrill and I don’t.
39: I may not beg to become Pinkie Pie’s apprentice.
40: I may not expect her to dress up and act like Donald Trump.
41: Even if she’d probably do it anyways.
42: I may not use the Mirror Pool to counterfeit tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala and use them to make friends for myself.
43: I may not even think about cloning myself.
44: Doing the butt-copy trick with the Mirror Pool is right out.
45: I may not make a Tom puppet.
46: I may not set up a stage so that Tom can perform Hard to Handle right outside of Rarity’s house.
47: It is wrong to use this in order to provoke Spike into a jealous fit.
48: It is even more wrong to then rent him a stage and band so that he can win her back.
49: I may not sell tickets to this event.
50: Nor may I advertise it as a deathmatch.
51: I may not try to reawaken Discord.
52: Nor may I try to awaken any of the other statues in the Canterlot gardens.
53: I am never allowed in the Canterlot gardens, period.
54: I may not organize Changeling hunts.
55: Especially not if they involve the dunking stool, pressing, and burning at the stake.
56: That last one doesn’t mean well-done meat either.
57: Not even if Pinkie Pie would be up for it.
58: I may not ask Princess Cadence how to make Twilight love me.
59: I may not ask Princess Cadence to make Twilight love me.
60: I may not burst into Twilight’s room and scream, “You’re… going… to LOVE MEEEEEEE!”
61: Same with Fluttershy.
62: Yes, I have to pay the hospital bills for the heart attack I gave her.
63: Yes, I know she forgave me, but clinging to her leg and blubbering for forgiveness was a little bit overboard.
64: Nor does it mean that I have to be her slave for the rest of her life.
65: No, it really doesn’t.
66: Not even for a year.
67: Not even for a month.
68: Not even for a week.
69: BUCK IT, PANDEMONIUM; JUST GO AWAY.
70: I may not bribe Angel Bunny to let me back into Fluttershy’s house.
71: No, Fluttershy does not have to pay for the hospital bills for the heart attack that she gave me when she used The Stare on me.
72: Fluttershy is not the Dread Empress.
73: I may not train the CMC to chorus, “ALL HAIL THE DREAD EMPRESS!” whenever she passes by.
74: This will not help them earn cutie marks in being minions anyways.
75: I may not try to convince them to try to get cutie marks that are complimentary to mine.
76: Ice cream cones are not Instant Unicorn Kits.
77: I may not be Snowflake’s dealer.
78: No, not even in the weekly poker game.
79: I may not make it a weekly strip poker game.
80: Nor a weekly shave poker game.
81: I may not hire Snips to do the shaving.
82: I may not tell Snips all about how cool Sweeny Todd was.
83: And not just because he’s not tall enough to be anything but a mohel yet anyways.
84: Any more references to Snippy Toddstein and cupcakes made out of foreskins will get my ass banished to the moon.
85: I may not ask if the rest of me could be left behind.
86: No, getting banished to the moon is not the same as being Raptured.
87: Celestia did not die for our sins.
88: No, she didn’t get banished to the sun for our sins either.
89: I may no longer speculate on what was happening to her when Nightmare Moon was around.
90: I may not try to convince her to have therapy for that either.
91: King Sombra is not the Anti-Monitor.
92: No, we do NOT need a Crisis Crossover with G1, 2, and 3.
93: No, it doesn’t matter how much I want to meet three more of me.
94: I may not apply for a license to break the fourth wall.
95: Not even if Pinkie Pie would be willing to give it to me.
96: I may not tell Spike that the reason Rarity hasn’t gone out on a date with him is that other dragons have bigger tails.
97: I may not try to convince Spike that he’s a girl.
98: I may not try to convince Rarity that Tom is a girl.
99: I may not try to convince anyone that Rainbow Dash is a girl.
100: Getting nailed in the nads with a Sonic Rainboom hurts.
101: I may not join a buffalo herd.
102: My buffalo name is not Runs-Like-Hell.
103: I may not ask Twilight if she wants me to stampede through her town square.
104: It doesn’t matter that she didn’t understand the innuendo; I’m still not allowed.
105: Nor may I ask Applejack if I can plow her soil and plant some seed.
106: Not even if it was a totally innocent offer to help her with the farm work; I may not.
107: I may not ask Fluttershy if she wants to see a REAL animal in action.
108: Not even if I just want to take her to see the chimera I found in the Everfree Forest.
109: I may not ask Rainbow Dash if she’s faster than a speeding bullet.
110: Nor may I append that statement with ‘in bed.’
111: Not even if I just meant a challenge in which she had to carry a bed along.
112: Sonic Rainbooms to the anatomy still hurt.
113: I may not ask Pinkie Pie any questions regarding a cherry on top, ever.
114: I may not ask Rarity if there’s such a thing as sexy lingerie in Equestria.
115: I may not offer her a partnership to invent some.
116: I may not model it for Twilight in her bedroom.
117: I may not leer at the CMC and ask if they want to know how I got my scar.
118: Same goes for Fluttershy.
119: Not even if I don’t leer, and not even if it’s just so that she’ll have pity on me and pamper me for a few days.
120: Princess Molestia is not my idol.
121: I may not form a church of Princess Molestia.
122: Or Trollestia for that matter.
123: I may not form a church of Discord.
124: I may not form the Earth Pony Liberation Front.
125: The words, “We’ve replaced the Elements of Harmony with Foldger’s Crystals. Let’s see if Princess Celestia notices,” may never escape my lips.
126: When the Elements of Harmony go missing, saying that they’re going off to be polished is not a good excuse.
127: Nor may I sneak them out to the Mirror Pool to be replicated.
128: No, it doesn’t matter that I just meant for it to be a few extra lines of defense.
129: Just because the fake Element of Laughter made my test subject giggle uncontrollably for hours doesn’t mean that I created the Joker.
130: No, I’m not Bat-pony either.
131: My fake Element of Generosity making Filthy Rich give away everything he owned does not mean that he is to be renamed Scrooge.
132: I am not the Ghost of Christmas Future.
133: Nor the Ghost of Hearths-Warming Eve Future.
134: Though admittedly, his giving Diamond Tiara away to those nice blank-flank ponies from the Everfree Forest was a mitigating factor in my favor.
135: What my fake Element of Kindness did is not good. It’s called codependency, and it’s not healthy.
136: No, it doesn’t matter how funny it was to see Silver Spoon dragging Big McIntosh into her room by his tail and forcing nice food, fancy clothes, and diapers on him. It was still wrong.
137: My fake Element of Loyalty is not to be used as a marital aid.
138: Especially between ponies who aren’t married.
139: Giving Apple Bloom traumatic flashbacks of last year’s Hearts and Hooves Day was not funny either.
140: I may not use my fake Element of Honestly to get a career as a gossip columnist.
141: Though admittedly, burying it underneath the Capitol Building was a stroke of genius.
142: Wearing my fake Element of Magic on my forehead does not mean that I HAVE THE POWWWAAAHHHH!
143: Just because Twilight trounced me in an epic magic duel after that doesn’t mean that I’m allowed to say that she dominated me.
144: Yes, I am allowed to write a friendship letter to Princess Celestia after that debacle. What I’m not allowed to do is tell her how much I love her big beautiful plot in a post script.
145: Not even if she appreciated it.
146: I may not wonder out loud whether we still have the real Pinkie Pie.
147: Urging Pinkie into various stunts in order to prove that she’s real is not allowed.
148: Not even if it turned into a game instead of a real life and death situation.
149: I may not sue the city of Manehattan on the behalf of the CMC.
150: I may not declare war on Manehattan either.
151: I may not become an abolitionist in order to free the sheep slaves on Sweet Apple Acres.
152: I may not re-enact John Brown’s Raid either.
153: I may not hire Flim and Flam to market my inventions.
154: It doesn’t matter how catchy the songs are.
155: No, not even the monorail.
156: I may not hire Derpy to harvest lightning to power my monorail.
157: I may not ask her to volunteer either
158: I may not create a pony version of Barney the dinosaur. Doing so will get me banished to the moon… again.
159: I may not promote a communist revolution against Princess Celestia.
160: Same thing for a republican revolution.
161: Equestria is a monarchy. Period. I may not try to change this.
162: Snowflake is not the Hulk.
163: Nor the Thing.
164: I may not ask him to clobber or smash things.
165: And not just because he’d actually do it.
166: It doesn’t matter that Pinkie Pie tastes like candy and just ate a metric ton of it. She’s not a piñata.
167: Princess Luna is not to be referred to as Empress Palpatine.
168: Twilight is not a Jedi.
169: I may not try to tempt her to the Dark Side.
170: I may not try to tempt her to MY Dark Side.
171: I may not light Chrysalis on fire and then refer to her as a flaming queen.
172: There is no martial art based around chucking your wife at things.
173: And no, getting married to Twilight is not the only thing that stands between me and a black belt in Wife-fu.
174: Nor do I know kung fu.
175: I may not dress up like Solid Snake and try to convince Twilight that I’m from the future.
176: I may not try to turn the CMC into Power Rangers.
177: No, Princess Luna did not spend 1000 years in a dumpster on the moon.
178: Their names are Snips and Snails, not Bulk and Skull.
179: The Elements of Harmony are not morphers.
180: I may not construct a giant glass tube in Celestia’s throne room.
181: I may not put the Burger King in her throne either.
182: I may not try to harvest Spike’s shed scales.
183: I may not try to provoke Spike into growing up again so that I can harvest his scales.
184: I may not dose Rarity with hair growth formula in order to start my false mustache business.
185: Just because pegasai can buck bolts does not mean that they’re all Sith.
186: No, not even if I can convince a certain somepony to become Darth Derpy.
187: Nor is her superpower the Rump of Destruction.
188: Just because the Equestria military is made up of mostly pegasai doesn’t mean that I may paint bulls-eyes on every pegasus I meet.
189: Crucifixes do not ward off Princess Luna, and I may not tell the foals that they do.
190: I may not refer to the Crystal Kingdom as Equestria’s hat.
191: I may not start a Trixie for President campaign.
192: No, not even if she’d do a better job with less ego than every other candidate out there.
193: I may not experiment to see if Pinkie Sense can detect my activities.
194: I may not refer to Princess Celestia as “Big Momma.”
195: I may not wonder out loud how many shoes we could get out of any dragon.
196: Same goes for briefcases.
197: I may not ask Pinkie Pie if she’s pondering what I’m pondering.
198: And that’s not just because Twilight reserves that right completely.
199: Nor can I ask her to say, ‘Poit!’ ‘Narf!’ or ‘Egad!’
200: And that’s because if she does, SHE’LL NEVER STOP.
201: I am still not the Pope of Molestism.
202: No, not even if I already have the sweet hat.
203: I may not lock Opalescence in a box and then tell Rarity that she’s in a state of quantum flux.
204: I may not imitate Steve Irwin in Fluttershy’s presence.
205: Or at any other time.
206: The Alicorn Amulet is not King Sombra’s Horcrux, and I may not insist on a holy crusade to reclaim it from Zecora and destroy it.
207: Nor is it the One Ring, and I may not organize a Fellowship to chuck it into a volcano.
208: I may not insist on holy crusades in general.
209: I may not join holy crusades either.
210: Princess Luna’s royal guards are neither Dementors nor Nazgul, and I must stop telling the foals that they are.
211: I may not offer to pose nude for Photo Finish.
212: And no, it doesn’t matter that we’re normally naked anyways.
213: It’s a bad idea to tell Princess Luna that she takes herself too seriously.
214: It’s an even worse idea to tell Pinkie Pie that she takes herself too seriously.
215: I may not nail a copy of the Evil Overlord List to Discord for the next time he wakes up.
216: Zecora is not strong in the Force, and I may not tell the foals this.
217: Nor may I tell them, “Strong in the force, she is.”
218: I am not Yoda either.
219: I may not have a pimp cane.
220: Unicorns are the ponies that can cast spells. Earth ponies don’t. I may not try to change this.
221: Trying to make magic wands out of unicorn horns is wrong.
222: Graverobbing in order to get the horns is even worse.
223: That does not mean that I may try to harvest living horns either.
224: Nor may I organize a holy quest to find Sombra’s horn.
225: I may not try to convince Twilight to learn age regression magic in order to keep us teenagers forever.
226: Age regression magic doesn’t restore virginity either.
227: No, that doesn’t mean that Trixie enables pedophiles.
228: Ominous Latin chanting whenever Princess Luna enters a room is not acceptable.
229: That doesn’t mean that I’m allowed to perform a Mass on behalf of either princess, for that matter.
230: Speaking Latin at all is right out.
231: Equestria doesn’t have a Constitution, and even if it did, this prohibition does not impinge on my free speech rights.
232: Nightmare Night was not inspired by vore enthusiasts.
233: Star Swirl the Bearded’s first name is not Gandalf.
234: Nor is Twilight his reincarnation.
235: Therefore, it’s pretty pointless for me to try to get her to bellow that I shall not pass.
236: Besides, she was talking about the exam she was going to give me.
237: I may not tell everyone that this exam was in order to judge my worthiness to be her boyfriend.
238: Not even if it was.
239: I may not do a victory dance when I pass that exam.
240: Spiking Spike is right out.
241: So is demanding immediate French kissing.
242: I may ask her on a date, but a date is one evening long. It’s not a two-week cruise.
243: Writing a letter to Princess Celestia telling her that I learned that stalking is love is not acceptable either.
244: I may not stage an intervention for Berry Punch.
245: Flim and Flam are not superheroes.
246: Their names are not Captain Monorail and his sidekick, Pornstache Pony.
247: I may not imitate the Swedish Chef.
248: Not even while working my part-time job at Sugarcube Corner.
249: And this is because Pinkie Pie will love it way too much and will never stop using the voice.
250: Just because Spike has joined in the search party for Opalescence doesn’t mean that I may say that he’s hunting for Rarity’s pussy.
251: Unicorn horns are not for picking noses, shooting pool, or playing drums.
252: Canterlot is not a wretched hive of scum and villainy.
253: Twilight, Shining Armor, and Cadence are not Celestia’s Angels.
254: I may never influence Shining Armor to cross dress again.
255: Spike is not an organic fax machine.
256: No one owns the patent on him.
257: I may not attempt to patent him either.
258: I may not paint messages in red paint all over Sugarcube Corner’s basement.
259: Same goes for red frosting.
260: I may not take incriminating pictures of Pinkie Pie as she’s licking the frosting up.
261: I may not broadcast a recording of, “FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN” over Ponyville’s newly installed loudspeaker system.
262: Yes, I am legally liable for the panic I caused.
263: Even if my lawyer got me off the hook, a defamation suit would be taking things a little too far.
264: I may not sell a sample of the cutie pox as a performance enhancing drug.
265: I may not use a cutie pox sample to stimulate the economy.
266: The words, “Hold muh cider and watch this!” may never, ever escape my mouth again.
267: Diamond Tiara is not the Wicked Witch of the West.
268: She won’t melt if I dump a bucket of water on her.
269: I may not let anyone catch me after I dumped a bucket of water on her anyways.
270: I may not try to convince Twilight to drop a house on her either.
271: When Twilight is busy with an assignment due at sundown, I may not set all the clocks in the library two hours forward.
272: When Derpy demolishes Town Hall again, I may not suggest that we fix it with duct tape.
273: Not even if it would probably work.
274: I may not form a demolition company with Derpy.
275: Filthy Rich is not my sugar daddy, and I may not claim that he is.
276: When Celestia summons me to Canterlot, that doesn’t mean that I’m off to see the wizard.
277: I may not sing it either.
278: Especially not with the CMC performing as backup singers and dancers.
279: On kazoos.
280: The proper response to Celestia is, “Your Majesty, I come in response to your summons,” not, “You can’t prove anything!”
281: Nor is it, “OH PLEASE HAVE MERCY! I DIDN’T MEAN TO DO IT!”
282: Nor may I come into the throne room wearing a spacesuit with a T-shirt over it reading, “The moon or bust!”
283: I may only tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth when she questions me about what’s happened between me and Twilight.
284: I may not use innuendo either.
285: Upon my return to Ponyville, I may not show up in a coffin.
286: I may not also chant nothing but, “ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.”
287: Referring to Princess Celestia as a toad is bound to get me trampled.
288: Princess Celestia was very kind to me when she summoned me. There is no reason for me to have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
289: And it’s not because Princess Luna dragged me into her interrogation room either.
290: I may not leer when I use the words, “Interrogation room.”
291: I may not insult ponies and then claim that Twilight was practicing truth-telling spells on me.
292: I may not say that I’m Celestia’s illegitimate love-child.
293: Nor may I say that I’m her legitimate love-child.
294: I may never answer questions about my parents again.
295: Just because I don’t want to tell anyone my birth name doesn’t mean that I can kick anyone who asks in the face.
296: Trixie’s problem is not that she needs to get laid.
297: I may not even suggest that I try to fix this problem.
298: I may not try to introduce Quiddich to the pegasus population.
299: I must address Luna’s royal guards with respect. A Transylvanian accent is not respectful.
300: I may not distribute mail to all the unicorns in the town offering horn enhancements.
301: I may not sing, “I’m too sexy for my tail, too sexy for my tail,” while in the spa.
302: I may not tell any of the royal guards that they have been challenged by the Knights Who Say Ni.
303: Nor may I hire the CMC to chorus, “Ni!” after everything I say.
304: Doing so will not help them get their cutie marks either.
305: The Cakes are not related to Willy Wonka.
306: Pinkie Pie might be, but I may not ever suggest it.
307: Sugarcube Corner does not keep Oompa Loompas under the floorboards.
308: “Save a balloon, ride a pegasus!” is not a good motto.
309: I may not organize a break dancing team.
310: I may not hire Derpy for this team in order to make it literal break dancing.
311: Just because Celestia approved my relationship with Twilight doesn’t mean that I have a divine right to her.
312: Nor do I possess the Mandate of Heaven.
313: An evening out with me doesn’t mean the Twilight has a Man Date from Heaven either.
314: Princess Luna is not my homeboy.
315: Derpy is not a superhero, and her name is not Collateral Damage Pony.
316: There is no Princess of Heavy Artillery.
317: I may not promote an Apple Pie Nonproliferation Treaty.
318: The answer to a problem is never just to stuff Pinkie Pie full of sugary sweets and then point her at it.
319: When that doesn’t work, Plan B is not to use twice as much sugar as plan A.
320: I may never introduce Pinkie Pie to coffee or Mountain Dew.
321: When participating in the Running of the Leaves, I may not start off the race by screaming, “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!”
322: Princess Celestia does not like being referred to as a blood god.
323: No unicorn has ever crafted the Summon Bimbo spell. This does not mean that I can try to convince Twilight to create one.
324: I may not try to convince Twilight to shoot Magic Missile at the darkness.
325: I do not like big plots and I cannot lie.
326: I may not inform Big McIntosh that he is my number one guy.
327: Star Swirl the Bearded is not a lich.
328: Nor is he a demilich.
329: He is definitely not the pony skull I found at the flea market.
330: Not even after it floats into the air and starts shooting magic all over the place.
331: It doesn’t matter that I ‘saved the day’ with a backup set of my imitation Elements. It was my fault in the first place.
332: It is also wrong to say, “Nyah, nyah, I told you so.”
333: I may not keep a running tally of how many times I’ve saved Ponyville vs. how many times I’ve nearly destroyed it.
334: Nor may I take bets on which column will break 20 first.
335: My god is not Wesley Crusher.
336: I may not say, “Say hello to my little friend!” and then point Twilight at the enemy.
337: When the CMC hits 12 members, I may not take them and Twilight to go rob a dragon.
338: I am allowed to have heraldry, even if we never use it. But it may not be a smiley face.
339: Nor a skull and crossbones.
340: If Princess Celestia sends me to negotiate with another nation, I may not immediately accuse her of being a Changeling.
341: When I greet the royalty of this new nation, I may not introduce the rest of the delegation as, “Those other guys.”
342: Just because the major religion of this new nation believes that madness is the touch of a god does not mean that I may declare myself an Avatar, a Grand Prophet, or a Messiah.
343: I may not designate Pinkie Pie as my High Priestess.
344: When negotiating trade agreements, I may not demand monthly deliveries of action figures of myself.
345: Especially not with magnets in the nose so that he’ll kiss the Twilight action figure.
346: I do not have, “REAL REDEMPTIVE ACTION” or “SUPER DIVINE WRATH.”
347: I know that I was only sent to give Twilight a ‘divine edge’ while she was doing the real negotiating. This doesn’t mean that I was just ‘eye candy.’
348: In hindsight, dressing up as Dr. Frank’N’Furter was probably a bad idea too.
349: My moebius strip cutie mark does not mean that my special talent is being a sweet transvestite.
350: NO FLOOR SHOWS. EVER.
351: The next time Twilight starts freaking out because of a message from the future, it doesn’t mean that we’re doing the time warp again.
352: I may not visit Fluttershy’s house and then tell her to be vewwy vewwy quiet.
353: I may not yell, “FREEBIRD!” every time Octavia sets up her instrument.
354: I am not addicted to helium.
355: I may not comment on Princess Luna’s treks through dreams and what a pervert she is in order to do that.
356: I may not try to seduce her when she shows up in mine.
357: I may not try to claim that it’s not technically cheating.
358: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Princess Celestia” is not a good song for me to be teaching the Cake twins.
359: It is bad form to fire the Orbital Friendship Cannon while the villain is in the middle of an evil monologue.
360: There is no such thing as an Orbital Friendship Cannon anyways.
361: Even if there was, I would not be allowed to use it.
362: I may not try to build one either.
363: I may not suggest spankings instead of the Elements of Harmony when dealing with villains.
364: I may not tattoo a Calvin-peeing-on decal over anypony’s cutie mark.
365: Not even Diamond Tiara’s.
366: Even if it’s true, I may not sing that Princess Luna sees us when we’re sleeping and knows when we’re awake.
367: She does not leave presents for good little ponies on Hearths Warming Eve.
368: She does not leave ‘special presents’ for bad little ponies either.
369: I may not ask to receive my ‘special present’ from Twilight instead.
370: Not even if she’s willing to deliver it.
371: I may not ask her to wear her false beard when she does so either.
372: I may not try to convince Twilight and Rainbow Dash to ‘pull a Daring Do’ with me and go after the Ark of the Covenant.
373: It doesn’t matter that, considering what we’ve already seen exist in Equestria, there’s a good chance that it actually exists. I still may not.
374: Frantic insistence that we get it before the Ponazis do will probably fall on deaf ears.
375: Even if it’s not my fault, I’m still going to get blamed for the CMC tagging along with me.
376: I may not refer to Scootaloo as Short Round.
377: When the mane six rescue us from a pit full of snakes, it is very bad form to do my ‘I-told-you-so’ dance.
378: Especially when I’m in midair in Rainbow Dash’s hooves at the time.
379: When Fluttershy calms the snake pit, congratulatory plot-slaps are ill-advised.
380: When the Ponazis capture us, it’s very smart to try to gain information from them in mid-interrogation. It’s a pretty bad idea to try to do it by screaming, “VE HAF VAYS OF MAKING YOU TALK!”
381: A showstopping ‘Springtime for Hitler’ performance—complete with the party cannon—might have worked as a distraction, but it would probably have worked better if I’d put a few minutes worth of thought into what we were going to do afterwards.
382: Yes, Fluttershy might have saved our hides with a tsunami of snakes. No, I may not call her The Beastmaster, Medusa, or Queen Cobra.
383: I may not complain that Twilight won’t let me watch the fireworks when they finally open up the Ark.
384: Melted pony jokes are in bad taste afterwards.
385: I may not insist on finding out where Princess Celestia’s ‘Top Stallions’ stashed the Ark after we returned in triumph.
386: Just because I was kind of right this time doesn’t mean that I’m allowed to propose an expedition to the Temple of Doom.
387: I may not claim that I was a human in a past life.
388: I may not take advantage of Lyra tackling me in response to this revelation.
389: When Shining Armor uses a truth-telling spell on me, I may not try to get around it with half-truths, innuendo, and omissions.
390: Especially in regards to his little sister.
391: Pinkie probably won’t fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
392: Rarity may have pointy ears, but I may not address her as Galadriel.
393: For that matter, Twilight may have pointy ears, but I may not address her as Spock.
394: I may not claim that this is a term of affection in my country.
395: I cannot see the Grim Reaper, and I may not claim that he’s standing next to Granny Smith while staring at his watch.
396: Dressing up in a black robe and scythe and staring at my watch in the presence of Granny Smith is a good way to get my apples bucked up into my ribcage.
397: Groin shots are not a symbol of affection in my culture either.
398: I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with the Changelings.
399: No, not even if I can make a fortune using their DNA for cosmetic surgery.
400: “Defying my will” is not a crime that will send someone to the moon, and I may not tell the foals that it is.
401: I may not shave Celestia’s mane while she’s sleeping.
402: No, it doesn’t matter that it grows back very quickly; I may not.
403: I may not hire Snips to do it either.
404: I may not then fashion the shaved mane into a wig for myself.
405: No, it doesn’t matter if the wig makes me feel like a pretty pretty princess. I may not wear it.
406: Especially not during royal processions.
407: ESPECIALLY not while in the royal chariot.
408: Pegasai were not created to have wings because the gods knew they’d be too lazy to walk.
409: Attempting to rip the faces off of random ponies will not reveal Changelings underneath, no matter what I saw on Scooby-Doo.
410: Yes, it did reveal a Changeling spy who couldn’t keep his form after what I did to him, but that still doesn’t heal all the sprained eyelids I caused.
411: I may not ask Pinkie’s party cannon for advice during a tense situation.
412: I may not ask Pinkie for advice either.
413: There is no Canterlot Inquisition.
414: I may not encourage the CMC to get Inquisitor cutie marks.
415: Ponies who have nocturnal jobs are not heretics against the God-Empress Celestia, and I may not interrogate them.
416: I may not ask Luna to train me in the ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE.
417: I may not use the ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE to interrogate my prisoners.
418: I may not have prisoners.
419: Twilight does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to Nightmare Moon’s plot.
420: Nopony needs to know about the time I woke up duct taped to Nightmare Moon’s plot.
421: Princess Luna DEFINITELY doesn’t need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to Nightmare Moon’s plot
422: The CMC are not Oompa-Loompas.
423: I may not expect them to sing a song every time a pony is humiliated or hospitalized thanks to their own stupidity.
424: It was probably a bad plan to get a free song sung about me, for that matter.
425: I may not re-create any scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey with Princess Celestia’s plot.
426: I may not try to talk the pegasai into causing a week’s worth of snow days.
427: Especially in the middle of summer.
428: Twilight loves it when I comb her mane. Not so much when I try to comb her tongue.
429: I may not tell Twilight that the best way to find the Crystal Heart was to blow up the palace and search the rubble.
430: Same goes for when I’m hunting down a rare book in the library.
431: Making even a single proposal more involving Changeling strippers will get me sent to the moon.
432: Again.
433: I may not try to get sent to the moon so that I can retrieve the pants I accidentally left there that morning I woke up duct taped to Nightmare Moon’s plot.
434: Kentucky-Fried Cockatrice: Just no.
435: The Ponyville library does not have a clopfic section.
436: No, it does not need one either.
437: It doesn’t need a store dedicated to that kind of thing either.
438: No matter how discreet the storefront is.
439: I may not make a boy band.
440: If I get assigned to waking up animals during Winter Wrap-Up, looming over them and flashing a rape face is not acceptable behavior.
441: Not even if it was extremely effective.
442: I may never refer to stampedes as ‘extremely effective’ ever again.
443: If I am then assigned to clear snow, I must remember that the plows are plows. Not bumper cars.
444: Being assigned to break up the ice on the lake means ice skating on it, not throwing boulders onto it from atop a cliff.
445: Bombs are right out.
446: It is not a point of pride that my best attempt to make a birds’ nest ended up with Rarity needing a few hours strapped to a bed to calm down from her freak-out.
447: The fact that I only have hooves and not magic is no excuse.
448: Yes, my newly-invented tampon cannon may be quite effective in clearing out clouds. No, I may never use it again.
449: Purposefully doing badly at every job won’t get me a co-managerial position with Twilight. At best it will get me assigned to doing inspirational speeches instead.
450: I may not devote my spare time to formulating a theory of a tilted axis on our planet and rotation of the planet around the sun in order to explain why we don’t actually need Winter Wrap-Up.
451: Especially not as an inspirational speech.
452: I may not do so specifically to see whether or not there is a Canterlot Inquisition either.
453: Even if I can convince Twilight to help me power them, I may not invent lightsabers.
454: Lightsaberchucks are an even worse idea.
455: Unicorns may have horns on their heads. That doesn’t mean that they must always have Viking funerals.
456: There is no such thing as a Pegasus Battle Perm.
457: Zecora is a zebra shaman, not a dirty hippie.
458: Asking her for a toke is in very bad taste.
459: Asking her for the ‘special materials’ for a vision quest is not allowed either.
460: Bananas in their exhaust ports do not make pegasai stall.
461: I did not have my sanity surgically removed.
462: I did not have it magically removed as one of Discord’s sick jokes either.
463: I was not born with a birth defect that explains my lack of sanity.
464: And even if any of the above were true, I am still responsible for my actions.
465: I may not try to organize a cage match between Nightmare Moon, Chrysalis, Discord, and King Sombra.
466: No, not even if it puts them all in one spot and makes them a perfect target for a good blast of the Elements of Harmony.
467: I am still not Celestia’s illegitimate love child, and my father is not Discord.
468: My mother isn’t Discord either.
469: At the very least, I’m not allowed to say so.
470: The Beverly Hillbillies theme song is not appropriate to sing every time the Apple family passes by.
471: I may not train Fluttershy’s birds to sing, “I Know a Song That Gets on Everypony’s Nerves.”
472: The moon is not the Death Star, and I may not tell the foals this.
473: Applejack is unlikely to slap anyone while screaming, “My parents are DEEEAAAAAAD!”
474: So stalking her with a camcorder is probably a waste of time.
475: No, not even when she’s wearing the bat mask I glued to her face.
476: It’s a good way to get a pair of hooves in my face, though.
477: When one of Twilight’s misadventures demolishes Ponyville again, H.R. Giger is not a good source to consult for the rebuilding process.
478: I may not try to sell King Sombra’s remains as modern art.
479: Ponyville does not have a Space Marine chapter.
480: Ponyville does not NEED a Space Marine chapter.
481: Ponyville does not WANT a Space Marine chapter.
482: I did not lose the sight in my left eye because I broke a Pinkie Promise and she shoved a cupcake into my skull.
483: That’s not why I’m brain-damaged either.
484: I may not greet the diplomats from Neighnjing with a rousing chorus of “I Like Chinese.”
485: And definitely not the cannibal version of the song.
486: “Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake. Clap your hooves and do a little shake,” is not an invitation to surprise buttsex.
487: “Bump, bump, sugar lump, rump,” is not an invitation to surprise buttsex, and I may not inform Filthy Rich that his daughter is a hooker.
488: It doesn’t matter that I didn’t actually take advantage of either of those not-invitations. I still deserve what I got.
489: Any reference to Applejack being a silly filly will get my apples bucked.
490: I may not refer to the moon as Stalag 13
491: I may not go into one of Pinkie Pie’s parties dressed as a gangster and dance Smooth Criminal.
492: I may not use my talent at throwing my voice to make a guard pegasus sing, “Hi ho, hi ho, I’m a vampire, don’tcha know. I’m dressed like this ‘cause I’m Luna’s bitch, hi ho hi ho hi ho!”
493: I may not tell the CMC that Diamond Tiara can only be stopped by dropping a house on her.
494: Zecora is not the Phantom of the Everfree Forest.
495: I may not invent underpants just so I can give everypony wedgies.
496: Nor because it makes Twilight look 20% sexier.
497: Princess Luna did not invent a giant “laser” on the moon.
498: I may not put a tank with sharks with laser beams on their heads into the library.
499: No, not even as a security measure.
500: Twilight does not keep Voltron in the library basement.
501: Equestria’s national anthem is not, “We Can Rule You Wholesale.”
502: Nor is it, “Sit on My Face and Tell Me That You Love Me.”
503: Nor is it, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”
504: Equestria does not have a national anthem.
505: Even if it did, it would not go, “Earth ponies, earth ponies, earth ponies are best! I wouldn’t give two Bits for all of the rest!”
506: I may not demand that we sing it before every sporting event.
507: Canterlot does not have a round table, and the CMC and I are not knights of it.
508: What happens in Canterlot stays on my police record.
509: I must remember that the road to the moon is paved with good intentions.
510: I am an earth pony, not a pegasus. It is not racist that the Wonderbolts won’t accept me.
511: No, I can’t try to join even when I’m using Pinkie’s flying machine.
512: Her title is Captain Spitfire of the Wonderbolts, not Cap’n Crunch.
513: No, not even after that debacle of the Wonderbolts slamming themselves right into that upended watertower that Spike pointed at them. Not even if the sounds were appropriate.
514: I may not tell Luna’s guards that Simon Belmont is after them.
515: Neither Pinkie nor Twilight is to be nicknamed MacGuyver.
516: That goes triple for me.
517: Her name is Twilight, not Ms. T.
518: She does not pity the foo.
519: If I marry her, that will not make me Mr. T.
520: I may not buy all of Rarity’s mane gel just so I can put my mane in a mohawk.
521: I may not use Spike to send spam.
522: The Crystal Ponies do not say “aboot.” Nor do they have a thing for beavers. Nor do they say “eh” after everything they say.
523: I may not transform a piano into a chariot and ride it down the street.
524: No, Octavia will not perform a duet with me.
525: I may not refer to Opalescence as “Whiskers”, “Mittens”, “Garfield”, “Princess Froo-Froo”, “Kitty”, or “Fluffy.” At least not while she’s within earshot.
526: I may not swipe Opalescence’s toy mouse and glue it to Spike as a mustache. Wars have been started over less.
527: Diamond Tiara’s mother was not a hamster, and the only reason her father smells of elderberries is because he got his face in the way of my flying jam sandwich.
528: Magic Kindergarten is not Hogwarts.
529: If a crime is committed in Ponyville, then the solution isn’t to send them all to the moon and let Luna sort them out.
530: I may never greet Princess Celestia with, “SEIG HEIL!”
531: Genuflecting is right out.
532: When Twilight wakes up from the Dash/Dust tornado nightmare, singing her back to sleep is permissible. Singing You Spin Me Right Round is extremely tacky.
533: We are not a reality show and, despite Trixie setting a precedent, I may not try to vote ponies out of Ponyville.
534: Princess Luna’s guards do not punish their foes in the name of the moon.
535: And putting them in miniskirts isn’t allowed either.
536: Not even if that one of them liked it.
537: I may not inform Fluttershy that her Angel is the centerfold.
538: I do not have the authority to declare jihad.
539: Opalescence is not a document shredder.
540: Therefore, I may not spend the entire day flicking classified documents at her.
541: The dragons under Celestia’s palace are for garbage incineration. They are not revel fires. They are not for dancing around.
542: I am male. I do not suffer from ‘that time of the month.’ Therefore, it is not an excuse for refusing to get out of bed.
543: Especially Twilight’s bed.
543: Especially Twilight’s bed.
544: Challenging anyone to prove that I’m male is ill-advised.
545: I may not try to court martial Spitfire.
546: I may not scream, “AIR RAID!” and dive for cover whenever Rainbow Dash flies overhead.
547: I may not use Twilight’s body as cover.
548: I may not play the Imperial March whenever Celestia appears.
549: I may not put lyrics to it either.
550: I may not refer to the Royal Guard as Stormtroopers.
551: I may not bellow, “IT’S SHOWTIME!” whenever someone yells my name three times.
552: Luna’s Royal Guards do not vant to suck my blahd.
553: I may not introduce Twilight to the wonderful world of tele-fragging.
554: It is extremely crass to point out to either Celestia or Twilight that the whole Changeling mess could have been solved simply by teleporting a piece of wedding cake into Chrysalis’s brain during her transformation sequence.
555: Upon discovering the Changeling spy, I may not do the Trump point and command, “You’re fired!” before shooting it out of a cannon.
556: And this is not because it’s Twilight’s job to do so.
557: The next time we get sent on a quest to unearth an ancient relic, I may not fall to the ground in front of it and scream, “You maniacs! You blew it up! DAMN YOU! CELESTIA DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEELLLLLL!”
558: Tank is not planning to kidnap Princess Celestia.
559: Therefore, all the plumbing training that I’ve been doing is good for nothing except actual plumbing and not princess-rescuing.
560: Snickering when Rarity calls herself a seamstress is not allowed.
561: The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well does not fight for Truth, Justice, Reasonably-Priced Love, and the Equestrian Way.
562: I may not become a supervillain in order to try to get her to come back to Ponyville.
563: I am still not Bad Horse, and referring to myself as a Thoroughbred of Sin outside of Twilight’s bedroom will get my apples bucked.
564: Referring to myself as a Thoroughbred of Sin while inside Twilight’s bedroom will get me teleported a half-mile above a lake for a belly flop of doom.
565: When Twilight tells me Mare-Do-Well’s secret identity in order to get me to shut up, I may not prance through the town singing to everypony I see, “I know something you don’t know!”
566: I may not make any jokes involving the words, “In Soviet Ponyville, horse mounts YOU!”
567: Just because Scootaloo is (probably) a street orphan doesn’t mean that I’m allowed to kidnap her and make her into my feisty sidekick.
568: I may not make any references to being the Celestia-damned Bat-pony either.
569: I may not yell at Rainbow Dash to do a barrel roll.
570: I may not build a theme park.
571: I may not base my theme park around Princess Celestia.
572: Roller coasters referring in any way to ‘riding the Princess’ are not allowed either.
573: I may not trademark, ‘The Plottiest Place in Equestria’ for the park motto.
574: I may not refer to any Princess in Equestria as Zelda.
575: I may not hunt for the Triforce.
576: The Elements of Harmony are not the Triforce either.
577: No, not even if it’s just because I want Twilight and myself to be reincarnated forever and ever and ever.
578: No, not even if I donate the millions of Bits we earn for the story to charity.
579: I may not refer to Celestia as Saruman the White.
580: I may not refer to Zecora as Radagast the Brown.
581: And no, those shrooms she grows aren’t for eating anyways.
582: Just because the Dark Lord Discord told me that I was The Chosen of Chaos in my mushroom-induced hallucination doesn’t mean that it’s true.
583: I may not forge three rings for the alicorns under the sky.
584: I may not forge seven rings for the mane six (plus Derpy), and the buildings in Ponyville aren’t halls of stone anyways.
585: Nine anonymous packages containing a ring addressed to a pony ‘doomed to die’ are very crass.
586: I may not fuse Sombra’s horn onto my head with a gold ring attached, re-forge his armor, and use my new magic powers to make a dark throne for myself.
587: Twilight is not likely to accept my explanation that, “One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them” is a BDSM-themed marital aid that I’m trying to patent.
588: I may not try to corrupt Princess Cadence’s unborn foal into an entire race of orcs.
589: A gigantic flaming eye as my symbol is just too cliché.
590: A gigantic flaming plot is pretty stupid too.
591: It doesn’t matter how much mooning all of Equestria makes me giggle. It’s still dumb.
592: After Fluttershy went berserk and chopped off my horn in a last desperate battle and the Elements of Harmony-fueled exorcism that Twilight and the other five performed on me was a success, I may not complain that they didn’t tell me that the power of Celestia compelled me.
593: Yes, I was excused from punishment because I was possessed at the time and it wasn’t my fault. No, that doesn’t mean that I’m allowed to skip my lessons about resisting supernatural influence.
594: I may not use demonic possession as an excuse to get out of trouble every time I get caught.
595: I may not refer to Snips and Snails as Dumb and Dumber.
596: Rainbow Dash and I may not use one of Rarity’s gems to go fishing for Diamond Dogs.
597: I may not turn it into an organized sport either.
598: Same with Diamond Dog Tossing.
599: Same with Diamond Dog Detonation.
600: It doesn’t matter that they put their filthy paws on Fluttershy. That just means that Celestia is allowed to punish them, not me.
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