Movies That DON'T Suck

UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Ragging on crappy movies is fine, but I like to watch movies that don’t suck even more. The last movie I talked about was some crappy Harlequin romance garbage and I’ll write about a really sweet romance movie later, when I watch it again because it’s really good, and I don’t usually watch movies with subtitles but this one was good enough to watch twice, but I’ll get to that one later because today I’m going to talk about the most satisfying movie of all time.
 
Taken (2008) stars Liam Neeson as Bryan Mills, the ultimate badass. He is retired from some government job that he only refers to as being a “preventer”. He’s basically a clean James Bond combined with Maximus. This guy is an expert at slaughtering bad people. His daughter goes to Paris with her idiot friend who gets killed because she doesn’t see the danger of inviting some random guy she met for three seconds at the airport over to have consequence free sex. The daughter gets captured by Albanians who run a sex trafficking operation (It is easier for them to work in Paris than in Albania for some reason the movie does explicitly mention, but I forget what it is). Bryan (Liam Neeson) then gets the bad guy on the phone and delivers the greatest whole paragraph ever:
 
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”
 
The villain, who is also an idiot, snarkly says “good luck” and hangs up.
 
Bryan knows this weaselly little guy who works behind a desk under another guy we never see who works behind a bigger desk who is somebody within the French government. He gets Bryan to Paris because he only has a couple days to rescue his daughter. When he gets there he kills a few really bad people and destroys a trailer and the desk jockey tells him to leave. Bryan instead tricks him and disappears.
 
He steals the ID of a French inspector and breaks into the hideout of the Albanians, who are idiots and do not question why a French inspector is speaking English with an Irish accent. There he meets the guy on the phone and says “I told you I would find you.” He then kills everyone in the hideout except the telephone guy, who he brings to this rundown building. There he slams two railroad spikes into the guy’s thighs and hooks him up to electrical wires. And asks where his daughter is. The guy does not answer so Bryan electrocutes him. He asks again and the guy again refuses to answer, because, as I’ve already said twice, this is one stupid criminal. Bryan electrocutes him again and then he gets fed up. He tells the thug “You either give me what I need or this switch will stay on until they turn the power off for lack of payment on the bill.” The guy answers. He tells him that he sold his daughter to a man named Saint-Clair. Bryan knows he is telling the truth. He says “I believe you. But that won’t save you,” and then he turns the power on and leaves the room, letting the guy fry, and it’s like a full body orgasm. There is human garbage in the world who really do this kind of thing and they deserve not only to die but to suffer, and this movie satisfies that need in me, but I’ll say more about that later.
 
Bryan goes back to the desk jockey who stonewalls him until he shoots his wife (she lives) and then the desk jockey does what is right instead of what is legal and reveals where Saint-Clair lives.
 
Saint-Clair turns out to be an American who sells young women in this Eyes Wide Shut place. His goons catch Bryan during a party and Bryan kills them all, noisily. Saint-Clair asks a waiter or someone to check out what all the noise is and the second he opens the door he gets shot in the face and dies. Bryan then shoots Saint-Clair in an elevator and demands to know where his daughter is. Saint-Clair tells him she is on the boat of this billionaire sheik that is leaving in a few minutes. Lying in a pool of blood he pleads with Bryan, saying “Please understand… it was all business. It wasn’t personal.” To which Bryan replies “It was all personal to me,” and then empties the gun into this fucker’s face.
 
Bryan speeds along the riverside in a stolen car and then jumps off a bridge onto the boat. He kills a bunch of people on the boat and then breaks into the room of the sheik. The sheik has his daughter. He’s got a knife to her throat. The sheik thinks he’s going to get out of this, he thinks he’s seen enough movies to know how this works. He thinks this is the real world. He is mistaken. He tries to tell Bryan “We can negoti-” and gets shot in the face mid-sentence in the best scene ever ever. This scene is like fifty times better than when that son of a bitch got electrocuted. If real life were a movie now would be the time to smoke, but life is not a movie and smoking is a filthy habit, so I just have to come down naturally.
 
If you have not figured it out yet, this is the best movie ever, and the reason is very simple: this movie is the exact opposite of real life. This is the way life should be. In the real world bad people get away with doing bad things all the time. The law protects bad people, who have “rights”, whereas good people get beaten in the face with a telescoping baton. Little kids get tickets for running an illegal lemonade stand while Saudi princes can run prostitution rings in the US for decades and nothing happens to them. People can get arrested for collecting rain water because the government wants you to pay the legal water monopoly for something that should be free while windmill companies can kill tens of thousands of endangered birds every year. Someone who smokes a joint gets beaten in the face and thrown in jail for 20 years while child rapists get out in only 5. That’s how real life works.
 
Movies don’t have to be like real life. In a movie good wins over evil, right wins over wrong. In a movie the ultimate badass can say “fuck their rights” and kill villains who deserve to die. A movie hero can say “fuck corrupt laws that protect bad people” and do what is right instead of what is legal and can save the innocent and kill complete monsters. And the hero of Taken does this while rubbing it in the face of the authority figure. He berates the desk jockey for caring about what is legal instead of what is right, and he is totally vindicated in the end and triumphs over evil. In movies the heroes have power and skills and weapons and the villains are weak and stupid. No movie exemplifies this more than Taken, and that is why it is the greatest movie ever. It satisfies the deep abiding need of knowing that right will win against wrong and seeing bad people suffer and good people get rewarded. Taken satisfies the need for the world to make sense and for order and justice to prevail. It is medicine for the soul.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
I originally called this movie “fine”, which I’m guessing means it technically does not suck, except the ending, so I’m including it here.
 
Today’s movie is Personal Shopper with Kristen Stewart. Here’s the trailer. She plays a character Maureen who has a heart condition that apparently gives her the sniffles and manifests no other symptoms. We also get to see her tits. Thanks, that was nice. She also masturbates in bed. That was nice too.
 
Maureen’s brother died and she’s receiving messages from some ghost. We don’t know whether it’s the brother or some trickster ghost. At the end there’s also the possibility that this is poltergeist activity under the subconscious control of Maureen and not a ghost at all, even though the ghost is seen opening and closing doors on its own. There’s a murder but the ghost is not responsible, the boyfriend of the rich lady is. He confesses.
 
I really like that this is one of the few movies I’ve seen that actually talks about mediumship and spiritualism and takes it seriously. It’s not a Hollywood ghost story with shaky cam, porno night vision, and people getting pulled away from the camera. There are no jump scares, there’s thinking. At least it starts out with thinking. You think there’s going to be some great resolution but there’s not. The writer or director or producer or whoever was just lazy.
 
It was good until the stupid, overdone “art” non-ending that all movies have today. You know the kind, you’ve seen it a million times. They set you up for an ending and then nothing. There is no ending. The movie just ends with none of the plot points resolved because “art” has to be bullshit that leaves you unsatisfied.
Acres
Rampant Alicorn - The majestic steed of a blessed crusade
A toast - Incredibly based (but on what?)
U Lil Shid - Hi, Im a lil shid.
Donor | Applejack - Wait, this isn't Lyra's...
Book Horse - A user who has contributed to 5k+ metadata changes.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained (Renowned Sound)

What’s ya’lls opinion of a movie that’s so bad it’s good?
 
Movie’s like the room, troll 2, amazing bulk.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Here’s a movie that definitely does not suck, despite what people say, that I remembered while looking up Spider-Man clips. This is by far the best movie Kirsten Dunst has ever starred in. I’m talking about the joint French/Canadian film Kaena: The Prophecy (2003).
 
Never heard of it? Here’s the trailer, that does the film no justice. And a making of featurette.
 
This was so good I watched it twice in one week.
 
It is clunky, early-2000s CGI, but the story is rock solid. I’ve never seen anything like it. It is an amazing dream that is absolutely unique and original. There’s this planet-sized magic tree that is the home of humanoids. At the base of the tree is an old, dying planet that is home to liquid aliens that try to (and eventually succeed at) killing the tree, but that doesn’t doom the people because before it dies the tree is able to link up to a neighboring planet and the people can walk across and survive while the evil aliens die, having exhausted the last of their energy killing the tree.
 
It’s been years since I’ve seen it, so I don’t remember all the details, but this was a solid A, maybe even an A+.
ANoobis
A toast - Incredibly based
Fried Chicken - Attended an april fools event
Book Horse - A user who has contributed to 5k+ metadata changes.
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Ghibelline Omnipotens
From Here to Eternity (1953)
 
The movie takes place during the weeks leading up to the attack on Pearl Harbor. It makes the godawful Michael Bay Pearl Harbor movie look even worse just by existing. From Here to Eternity does personal stories and romantic subplots well, and when the attack comes it actually feels like a big deal.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
@Dex Stewart  
I fastforwarded it past the annoying introduction to when the three biggest, identical faggy-looking losers I’ve ever seen appear, and after 9 seconds they annoyed me so much I had to turn it off. The fact that 28,000 people managed to spend 54 whole minutes with the three morons is disturbing.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
The Land Before Time is probably the single greatest cartoon ever made, and one of the few movies I would give a perfect 100/100. Every single frame is a masterpiece. It’s all just so astoundingly beautiful.
 
In October 2017 I realized the Aeneid is the exact same story as The Land Before Time. You have this young hero, this prince (Aeneas/Little Foot) whose mother is a spiritual being (Venus/Little Foot’s mother dies and communicates with him in apparitions), and his home is destroyed in a great conflagration (Sack of Troy, horrible Mesozoic continental drift and volcanoes). This hero has to lead a gaggle of yokels who would be lost without him (the Trojans/other dinosaurs) on a great quest (the story itself) to found a new promised land (Rome/the hidden valley). The whole time they are chased by an evil supernatural entity who is trying to kill them (Juno/Sharp Tooth). The hero makes a journey to the underworld to consult with a deceased parent (Aeneas with his father/Little Foot with his mother) to receive a prophecy about finding paradise at the end of the journey. There is a tremendous battle between the forces of good and the forces of evil where the main villain is finally killed with a giant rock (Turnus has his head smashed in and Sharp Tooth is clobbered with a boulder and drowns). The heroes then find their new home and many more adventures follow (all of Roman mythology/a series of musical sequels).
 
It’s the same story, only one has people and the other has dinosaurs. It’s the same exact story. I don’t know if that was intentional, but that’s something to think about.
 
We don’t get to see Sharp Tooth’s motivation in the movie, since he’s the non-speaking character, but in the script it was made clear he wasn’t just a predator hunting for food, he was driven on inexorably by pure sadistic evil. And like the Terminator he absolutely will not stop hunting his prey until either he succeeds or is killed himself. He cannot be negotiated with, or outrun, or distracted in any way. Any obstacles placed in his path, any injuries received, all they will do is delay the inevitable. Nothing short of death will stop him.
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