Crappy Movie Synopsis Thread

Dex Stewart
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Boot badge - It's Bootiful
Fried Chicken - Attended an april fools event
Artist -
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained


Annoying people screaming nonstop for an hour.
This is an enormous step down from the previous three TCM films. The characters are all stupid, irritating idiots I just want to die already.
A bunch of quotes and elements from the previous films pop up here, though not in any meaningful way, they're just there to be shallow callbacks.
The biggest disappointment of this one is Leatherface, no longer an imposing but twistedly sympathetic monster, he's just a whiny non-presence. He could be completely cut and nothing would change.
This movie also appears to have a low budget, many scenes that feel like they should show a gore effect happen offscreen or there's a cut away.
There's a massive tone issue, trying to recapture the quirkiness of the 2nd movie, while also trying to play things straight.
The one good thing in this movie is the sets and locations. Interior scenes keep the cluttered, claustrophobic feel of the past films, while giving this one it's own identity.
Definitely the weakest of the original series.
Posted Report
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Listen my children and you will hear the tale of a film of which you should steer clear.

It's called Pines and it was filmed in 2011 but not released until 2022 for some reason.

It stars Una Blade who also produced and directed it. She was in 5 movies in the same year and hasn't appeared in anything since.

Pines is a C-movie about fuck all.

Claire, our perfectly average looking star, is like a social worker or something. She's helping some old guy who's dying of lung cancer from smoking like a chimney like every single character in the movie does except for Claire. He lives in like a nursing home or something with a ticking clock that I guess symbolizes that he's dying. He seems like a genuinely nice guy.

Claire has a sister who I don't think they named. She's a drug addict or something and has like literal shit in her refrigerator or something. She leaves a note to Claire saying "stop taking my car keys" and "stop buying me food", but Claire doesn't listen. She throws the shit out and replaces it with some oranges and takes her sister's keys because she has to look for her boyfriend Jack who we never see until the last 5 minutes and he's already dead. We never see the sister, we just hear a recording of her voice and it's the same as the 911 operator (the credits tell us the same person played two different roles). The 911 operator hates Claire for some reason and constantly makes snarky belittling comments and makes it sound like she's working for the killers when she says that "we will find you".

There are killers in this movie. I'm not getting ahead of myself because it keeps jumping around. They took what could have been a decent B-movie and chopped it up into a million pieces and rearranged the pieces in a totally random order, turning a decent movie into a shit movie for some reason. Probably because it's """art""" to have not only scenes out of order, but to take scenes, cut the scenes themselves up, and put the pieces of scenes out of order too with no transition between them.

Claire goes to some hillbilly house in the woods that's full of drugged up rockers. Now she's in a motel and the rockers are stalking her. It's nighttime. Now she's back at the hillbilly house and the least evil rocker gives her advice never to return. We see him in a later "scene" bragging about how he murdered someone in prison with a pen. It seems Jack has gotten into debt with the rockers and least evil rocker is tired of paying off Jack's debt so he plies Claire with liquor and gets her to agree to pay off the debt. They're at a trailer park now. It's night again. The evil evil rocker with the widow's peak intimidates the least evil rocker and Claire before leaving. Least evil rocker brings Claire upstairs and opens a door where we see someone sitting on a toilet or something. The room is bright orange.

Cancer man asks Claire to get him a cigarette and jokes about marrying Claire. She leaves to get him a cigarette.

Claire wakes up in the woods near a fire and a pile of teeth. She's bleeding.

Now she's in a car she stole on the highway. It's raining and the 911 operator is mocking her. It's night.

Now it's day and she's in the woods somewhere and she hides in the car as three guys get in and magically don't see her or notice her phone which she plugged into the cigarette lighter to charge it. There's a tarp in the back seat and it's covered in blood.

Now it's night again? I'm not sure.

Now it's day and the car pulls up to a large abandoned building. The guys go in.

Now she's driving somewhere, I think. She ends up back at the abandoned building and see's Jack's truck abandoned. She gets a light and a baseball bat from out of his truck and heads into the building. Jack's not there but least evil rocker is chained up behind a door and she has to break the lock off with the bat. Some more cars pull up and widow's peak and his goons arrive. Claire looks at them out the window and when she returns least evil rocker has been kidnapped from behind the locked door somehow. She runs back to the window and some guy with hair down to his ass crack chops his head off with a kukri after he tells them that Claire is in the building and doesn't know anything about Jack.

Did I mention someone carved an X into her foot at some point? We didn't get to see it until now. Least evil rocker tells Claire that means she has to pay off Jack's debt with her life.

Asshair chases Claire throughout the building but she smashes his fucking face with the bat until he dies. That's the one good scene in the movie. She then runs down into the crawlspace and is chased by CGI black smoke, I think, and drops the bat when she climbs out a manhole to the surface. It's night now even though it was day a second ago.

She's on the highway again in the rain. Another car has followed her and she was just sitting there and the other car was sitting there with the lights on until they go off. 911 lady mocks her and tells her to get in the other car that was following her. It's nighttime, did I mention that? Claire goes in the abandoned car but oh noes, least evil rocker kidnaps her and takes her to a cabin in the woods. I thought he got his head chopped off. He tells her to wait in the cabin while he goes out to find whoever is stalking them both. For a split second we see all the evil rockers holding torches standing outside.

Claire is now back in the abandoned building. She's running around all the rooms and all the evil rockers are dead and their bodies are laid out on the ground with their hands over their chests like mummies. A car has it's headlights on pointing at the front door and a dead guy is resting on the horn. She goes out and picks his head up to stop the sound. She then goes back in the building, finds a dead body out of the bunch of bodies, and gets the keys to the other car she originally came in where she was hiding somehow, goes in a circle through the building, gets in the car and drives off. I think.

She's talking to cancer man. He gives her a book. He says it's okay since he gave it to her, she didn't steal it.

Now he's dead. Claire's sister says (over the phone) it was assisted suicide and it's her job to attend the funeral.

Now she's following least evil rocker up the stairs into the room where the guy is on the toilet again.

Claire is back at the cabin. She gets a 2x4 and beans the least evil rocker and duct tapes him to a chair and then escapes into the woods at night. She finds Jack's dead body in front of a 7 foot tall pile of burning candles with a skull. It's not a deer, it's like a gazelle or something. She runs and trips and breaks her leg so bad the bone sticks out. There's also a dead rabbit there. We saw the same rabbit alive in several earlier scenes. The CGI mist appears and towers over her and she shouts at it that it's not real.

There's a flash of light. She's walking down a road in daylight for about a second. Then there's a Dostoevsky quote and it's the end of the movie.

What the fuck did I just watch?
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Here's another crappy movie called Solar Impact (2019) Might as well call the movie "Women Get Men Killed: The Movie" because that's what happens. Women do stupid shit, men tell them to stop doing stupid shit, women do stupid shit anyway, zombies appear, men save women from zombies, and men get killed by zombies, and women don't learn the lesson to stop doing stupid shit and get more men killed.

In case you're wondering there's a channel called This that plays crappy movies, that's where a bunch of these reviews come from.

I didn't see the opening but I don't have to because the trailer gives everything away, including the very last scene.

Basically a Mercury capsule with astronaut Tom (who is in communication with "ground control") is in orbit 60 years after the program ended and it gets hit by meteors of "solar matter" that were ejected by a solar flare. These meteors hit London and maybe other places, maybe not, since a post-credits scene shows New York, Moscow, Shanghai, and some other city totally unharmed. The radiation from these solar meteors causes normal people to turn into zombies but electronics are all fine since cars, radios, lights, and elevators all still work.

If someone gets bitten by a solar zombie their skin begins to melt like alka seltzer within minutes (because that's how they do the effect) and they turn into a zombie.

Four people, two men, two women, leave from London to Cardiff for some reason. There's guy in open jacket, guy in closed jacket (his name is Jim I think), girl with two tone hair, and girl with black hair. They reach a building that I think is supposed to be a hospital. The women are like "We have to go in for some reason, maybe there's people inside we can save," and one of the guys says "No, we shouldn't because it's obviously a shit idea and we'll get killed." Chicks are like "Nah, fam, it'll be fine. We're going in anyway." And they go in and the guys have to follow. Inside the hospital guy with open jacket gets bit protecting two-tone hair. He wakes up later in a hospital bed and asks two-tone to marry him before turning into a zombie and locking her out of the room before he's turned completely so he can't eat her.

In another room black hair and Jim meet up with a doctor who is tending to his dying daughter who we don't see since the budget can't afford that many actors, so she's hidden behind a curtain and doesn't say anything. He tells them a million times they have to leave and black hair doesn't listen to reason. "I have to find my sister." "Well," says the doctor, "she's not here, it's just me, the others left." Black hair says "I don't care, I haven't gotten anyone killed yet so I'm not leaving." But they do leave and meet up with two-tone who tells them open jacket was bit. One or both of the women tries to talk to him through the window and we see the alka seltzer on his face bubbling and the incurable blood dripping from his nose.

They leave and go into the woods that don't exist in England because they cut them all down. The women are crying and are just fucking useless, and I have zero sympathy for them because they got the other guy killed for no reason.. In the woods black hair has a hammer and the others have no weapons at all. One of them wants to stop and Jim wants to keep going, so they stop and two-tone gets attacked by a zombie. Jim beats the zombie to death with a stone and they look at two-tone who is crippled now or something. She's on the ground snarling at them, trying to grab them but she can't. They abandon her in the woods.

They make it to Cardiff that night despite it being 150 miles away from London. They find black hair's sister alive and well at the house of some hippie guy with long hair and a beard. She was never in the hospital, she wasn't even in London, half the party was killed for zero fucking reason.

Hippie guy is an alcoholic but he's smart. He's a high functioning alcoholic. Black hair takes a bath because the water system is working too and she almost drowns. I had a hope spot for a moment there. The car alarm goes off because Hippie Guy's neighbor set it off. He turned into a zombie last week (how long has this been going on?) and Hippie Guy didn't kill him because he wasn't a danger until now. The alarm isn't want woke up black hair, she heard Hippie Guy's wife moving around tied up in the bedroom. She was bit or turned from one of the sun meteors and Hippie Guy is waiting for a cure to be invented. He tells the others that they've been going around murdering people for fun and he only kills zombies who attack him first, and he's right. He's never gotten anyone killed.

The next morning loads of zombies arrive and somehow Hippie Guy's wife gets untied from the bed and bites him so he has to shoot her with his illegal UK gun that's totally illegal. He goes outside, sets off the car alarm, and kills as many zombies as he can while the others escape. This guy has been alive and well for a week, maybe two, and it's not even 24 hours after these women arrive that he gets killed. They are the villains of the movie, not the zombies. They're walking disaster areas.

The three survivors head off to a church somewhere and lock themselves in but surprise surprise the zombies followed them there. Jim holds them off while the women run up to the roof to contact people with a wireless radio they have from the Hippie Guy. Jim manages to survive after being swarmed by 12 zombies and runs up to the roof. He's the only man who lives.

The three of them are on the roof when we hear a sniper team say the lines from the trailer "There's 3 people on the roof, awaiting orders to rescue or shoot them." And it ends there with a WHORE-OR!! edgy cliffhanger ending that I really hate.

Speaking of the title, here's a block quote I won't be able to see of a review on IMDB that says exactly what I said:
This film was just really bad it should be called one girl gets everyone else around her killed . I created this account just to review this , me and my wife have watched thousands of movies and this one commited the worst crime it was boring , I actually had to check my heart rate multiple times as I thought I had passed away.

It was shite. And for a budget allegedly of $35 million they really could have done a whole lot better. That's not some B-movie budget, that's a good chunk of change. But it's not the effects, the acting, or cinematography that sinks this, it's the writing. I just can't stand the characters and want them to die, and when you want to see the characters die and it's a horror movie (unless it's like Final Destination where the whole point is to kill assholes for your amusement) that's a fatal flaw because there's no reason to get invested in the characters.

Not as bad as Pines, but Solar Impact is still another F.
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Solar Impact had a budget of $35 million.

Raiders of the Lost Ark had a budget of $20 million.

"Ackshually, accounting for inflation, Raiders had a budget of $71 million in 2022 dollars."

Fuck off. Even so, Solar Impact doesn't look half as good as Raiders, it looks about a thousand times shittier at half the budget.

A far better zombie movie, 28 Days Later, was made for $8 million in 2002 dollars. That would be $13 million today, about a third of the budget, and yet it too looks a thousand times better than Solar Impact. It has better writing, better makeup, better effects, better characters, better dialogue, better music, a better story, just better everything.
Syntax quick reference: *bold* _italic_ [spoiler]hide text[/spoiler] @code@ +underline+ -strike- ^sup^ ~sub~