Crappy Movie Synopsis Thread

UrbanMysticDee
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Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

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The movie Big Jake, starring John Wayne, is an absolute load of crap.

John Wayne plays the titular Big Jake, who is a cartoon parody of John Wayne. He's the designated hero, who is right even when he is wrong, he's so tough he names his dog Dog and six guys with guns back away from killing a smuggler just because he tells them to do so, because he's The Duke, and he's a badass, in case you whippersnappers from the 1970s didn't know that.

Villains kidnap John Wayne's grandson, named uncreatively “Little Jake”, and they want “One Million Dollars!”, which in 1909 when the movie was set would be an amount of money maybe 100 people in the whole world would have, and not in cash form. John Wayne goes to his harridan of an ex-wife, who just so happens to have exactly $1 million laying around, and says he'll take the money to the gangsters himself, and she lets him because he's John Wayne and he's the biggest badass who has ever lived. John Wayne has two sons, one of whom is his son in real life who can't act to save his life. John Wayne constantly beats and threatens to kill both of them and he's the hero and what he's doing is totally justified because he's John Wayne so whatever he does is justified by default.

He repeatedly beats his one son for calling him out for being a worthless bastard of a father who didn't lift a finger to raise him and skipped town, and his other son he beats because he fell off a cliff and nearly died and showing weakness of any kind shames John Wayne, who is so tough that the only thing that could kill him is lung cancer from smoking like a chimney, because tough men smoke to prove how tough and unkillable they are.

“I have to rescue my grandson, pilgrim, even if I have to savagely beat and murder my two sons to do it. And that doesn't make me look evil, it makes me look tough, because I'm John Wayne, and I'm the hero of your parents' day and I'm still relevant, consarn it!”

I couldn't watch it after that. It's one of those movies that's so bad it doesn't deserve a number grade, it just gets an F.

John Wayne was an actor who played a tough guy. I've seen parts of two of his movies and couldn't finish them, they were that bad. One bored me to tears and the other was so over-the-top with its ridiculous machismo, presenting Wayne as the manliest man who ever lived, who beats and threatens to kill his sons just to show how much of a big man he is, that I wanted to vomit. It goes a long way to explaining the rampant child abuse in America at the time and beyond, that the "heroes" (who encouraged young men to go to war while he himself stood in Hollywood and made movies) all promoted child abuse.

John Wayne was a drunk, womanizing, draft dodger who cheated on his three wives and lied about an old injury keeping him from serving that mysteriously never stopped him from being a stuntman.

John Wayne was a coward and a draft dodger who cheated on his wife with a whore who enjoyed breaking up marriages and made 13 movies pretending to be a war hero, which he was not. He's a disgrace and yet is somehow held up as the hero of the "conservative" movement. He's not a patriot, he's a traitor and a bullshit artist who is the antithesis of everything that deserves being conserved.
Dex Stewart
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I just watched The Room,a convoluted unfocused movie about a love triangle.
Johnny,the main character played by Tommy Wiseau,gets his girlfriend, Lisa, roses and they fuck and order weird pizza. His best friend Mark is getting hit on by Lisa,and eventually he gives in and they fuck. Johnny finds out and kills himself. The acting is awkward,the effects (yes,there are extensive Special effects)are cheesy and really the only convincing scene is Johnny's death. He plays a dead body really well,I'm not trying to be funny,that scene is genuinely good,and even the other's reaction to his dead body,while a bit over the top are good.

The Giant Claw is a mediocre monster movie with such a ridiculously poorly designed monster,that it's actually been remembered. It's a standard giant monster movie,nothing particularly stands out,the acting is acceptable,pacing is fine,then the monster shows up.

Manos the Hands of Fate is about a family driving out somewhere and getting themselves lost. They stop at a creepy house and meet Torgo,a jittery weirdo who tells them to leave. The father invites himself and his family to stay,and a bizzare cult decides to either kill or convert the family. The film is infamous in how incompetent it is.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
From 22 February 2020:

Just watched Where Eagles Dare. It's so outrageously bad. I think I saw them reloading once, after firing about 10,000 rounds. So much 9mm lead was put down range that it caused cars to explode and nearly sawed a control tower in half. The very British Nazis, none of whom did anything to disguise their accents, couldn't hit the side of a barn while about half the Wehrmacht was taken out by an American who doesn't talk, his girlfriend, and the bus driver, who not only have infinite bullets, they also have infinite sticks of dynamite. It makes you wonder how the Nazis conquered Europe in the first place. The heroes are also invincible. At one point the guy flying the plane (who appears in the last five minutes of the movie) gets shot in the face and he shrugs it off without even getting a scratch. They also fall four stories into freezing water and come out bone dry and completely unharmed. Also that guy falling off the chair lift is one of the fakest things I've ever seen.
Dex Stewart
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I just watched a hilarious documentary about…stuff to do with the Twilight movies. Destination Forks, supposedly highlighting the locations in Forks, Washington where the Twilight films were shot. The first twenty minutes are cheesy interviews with people who live in the houses used for locations in the films. Then the movie jerks itself off about how great Twilight is. Then,with a half hour left,the movie stops. It's just scenery,nature shots set to stock music. That's it until the credits decide to roll.
I can't imagine a better way for this movie to have turned out.
ANoobis
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Ghibelline Omnipotens


Most criticisms of this movie are of the "the premise so stupid! bweeeehh!" variety. That's what I was looking for. I just wanted a silly popcorn movie that would let me unwind for a while. What I got was a miserable, soul crushing relationship drama. The movie centers around the protagonist attempting to rescue his horrible, selfish ex-wife and his garbage daughter from the disaster that they were too proud/stupid to evacuate from, even with ample forewarning. He sets out with his very likable, charismatic group of friends to save his ungrateful family that hates him, and it just gets harder and harder to watch as this cast of fun adventurers lays their lives down one-by-one for these horrific L.A. rich-folk who scorn them. There is more than one scene of them shrieking at the protagonist for attempting to help other people, on the grounds that they should be the only important thing to him. That includes them getting angry that he tries to help the party members that came to save them.

I understand that later movies embrace the ridiculousness of the premise, but they're still cast by his awful family and nothing could make me go back to the series after the first entry.
Dex Stewart
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I love kaiju movies,but holy crap was this one a dud. I can see why Varan isn't particularly well remembered.
Some scientists are killed under strange circumstances,and the area is investigated. Some native tribe warns of a monster,Daragari or something,that lives high in the mountains. Surprise,there is. It's renamed "Varan" because what does that tribe know anyway.
The rest of the movie is just Varan destroying buildings,and the army attacking. Eventually Varan is driven away,but…is he really gone for good?!
…pretty much,yeah he was. He got a cameo in Destroy All Monsters,and a radically altered American cut of his film,which I haven't seen yet,but have to assume it's better than this.
His legacy today is actually strong, considering how weak and unimaginative his film was. He has appeared in storybooks,comics,videogames and toys. He almost returned in GMK,a Millennium Godzilla film,but was rejected,as only three monsters were allowed to the film,and 2 of them had to be Mothra and Ghidorah. The third ended up being Baragon,a monster from Frankenstein Conquers the World.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
20 Things Wrong with The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)

1. The kid was super annoying.

2. Gort was in 2 scenes, and he turned into a cloud of little bugs that ate everything in the second scene, for no reason.

3. The CGI Gort looks totally fake. They could have shot an actor on a green screen and made him look 20 feet tall like Xerxes.

4. Klaatu has magical powers that fluctuate depending on what the plot calls for at any given moment.

5. Klaatu has magical powers.

6. Klaatu kills people to show how violent and destructive humans are?

7. Life is so precious that the super advanced aliens need to abduct animals on an ark because they plan on killing every living thing on the planet?

8. The super advanced aliens invented a weapon that eats absolutely everything, including rocks, because they wanted to wipe out the humans. Why not just engineer a human specific virus and spare all the other creatures?

9. The alien super weapon can convert any random matter into more copies of itself regardless of the chemical composition of what it eats, and it can apparently generate a limitless supply of energy out of nothing.

10. If the aliens have free energy and they are so worried about humans polluting the Earth why not just give humans the free energy technology and solve the problem without killing anyone?

11. Klaatu makes one half-assed attempt at contacting all the world leaders and then decides "To hell with it," and releases the super weapon to destroy the planet.

12. Klaatu's people are hypocrites, as John Cleese points out. Klaatu's people DID destroy their home world, and in a fit of desperation developed free energy, and instead of giving other species the same opportunity, they decide to wipe them out instead.

13. Klaatu's people can cancel inertia, so why does he need the password to escape the government prison? Why doesn't he just blast his way through the walls?

14. The size of the killer bugs Gort transformed into varies depending on the scene. In one scene they are microscopic, in another they are clearly the size of common garden ants.

15. Klaatu DOES say "Klaatu barada nikto" but super loud "dramatic" music drowns it out.

16. Why did Klaatu's ship land on Earth in 1928 to pick up Keanu Reeves' body and then decide to come back in 2008 to kill all humans when humans were clearly making progress in saving the planet by that time. The worst time for ecological destruction was in the 1950s when thousands of open air nukes were being detonated. Pollution and environmental destruction have decreased since then, so humans are making progress, if at a somewhat slow pace. Klaatu should be able to appreciate that more people care about the environment now than ever before.

17. Klaatu destroys Gort in the end.

18. The device Klaatu uses to destroy Gort not only destroys all electronics on the planet, it stops everything mechanical, whether it is electronic or not!

19. Building on the horror from 18, think of all the people who died when all machines were destroyed? Every plane in the air fell to the ground, all submarines sank and were crushed in the ocean, everyone in an elevator is trapped and will suffocate, everyone on a ship is permanently stranded at sea unless they can paddle to shore, everyone who requires insulin will die now that there is no refrigeration, ALL vaccines and medicine will be wiped out, food production will decrease dramatically, 5 billion people, at least, will die. The annoying kid and the suspiciously attractive scientist will almost certainly die within the year. Rather than saving humanity, Klaatu has pretty much doomed humanity to the iron age permanently, since all the scientists and engineers who will be needed to rebuild the Earth's infrastructure will almost certainly die. It would have been a lot more merciful just to wipe everyone out rather than let billions of people starve to death.

20. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T KLAATU JUST GIVE HUMANS THE DAMN FREE ENERGY TECHNOLOGY?! That would have solved every single problem with the story. None of this makes any sense. That's why changing the story doesn't work. The 1951 story was perfect. "Humans have developed nuclear weapons and rockets and the aliens don't want humans to spread war to outer space so they quarantine the Earth." Works perfectly. The 2008 story makes no sense. "Humans are polluting the Earth so aliens who completely destroyed their home planet with pollution will completely destroy the Earth and remake it without humans." That makes no sense. Just give humans the free energy and no one will ever pollute again! Then no one needs to die! It only takes a few seconds to think this through. The writers could have come up with something just as relevant to the 21st century as nuclear weapons were to the 1950s, but NO, they came up with something incredibly stupid with more plot holes than Swiss cheese! It does not make sense. It doesn't fit. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

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Was the Remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still About Colonialism?

One thing to note at the beginning, the aliens in the original were very liberal. They don't care what any species does on its own planet as long as no one tries to initiate violence between planets. They set up, in Klaatu's words, a police force of robots to kill anyone who tried to initiate violence, and that was the entire scope of the galactic government. The government doesn't care what you do as long as you don't try to hurt anyone else (you can hurt yourself all you want). The supreme directive of the aliens is that interpersonal violence is the supreme evil. And all involvement in the galactic government was voluntary. You didn't have to abide by the interplanetary law if you wanted to keep to yourself on your own planet, but if you did decide to join the galactic government there was no way to go back on that decision.

The aliens in the remake are authoritarian, if not outright genocidal. They glorify violence if it achieves their goal of protecting barely sentient life like bacteria or moss. Interplanetary law is imposed on all planets without any warning or announcement. Not only can you never leave, you don't even get to decide whether you join or not, you are born into the legal system and there are no alternative systems to escape to. The galaxy is a prison and you're stuck in it.

Now to think about colonialism you have to think about how the message from the aliens in the remake does not make any sense.

Planets that can support complex life are so rare in the universe that the aliens have to kill all humans because humans are polluting the Earth. And to do this the aliens don't use some hi-tech weapon that will kill ONLY humans and spare everything else, they release an exponentially expanding plague of robots that eats absolutely everything, including rock, erasing completely a biosphere that took millions of years to develop, and then they will re-seed the now totally barren, lifeless Earth with animals they saved from their zoo. And they think this plan can actually work. You strip the planet down to bedrock, cover that with a blanket of gazillions of dead robot bugs, and then place a small handful of plants and animals rescued from the handful of ships, and hope that the one pair of elephants doesn't eat the one grove of trees that gets planted and dooms all life on Earth to extinction permanently because now not only has the biosphere been wiped clean but all the zoo animals have died.

This plan can never work. Raising endangered animals in captivity and releasing them into the wild only works because there is a wild to release them into. If the wild is destroyed completely and the endangered animals are released into barren rock then the released animals will die too because there's not enough food to go around.

What if the aliens terraform the Earth again over millions of years? Maybe they will, but that still sets life back millions of years. They still have to keep the elephants alive on the tiny little ships for millions of years, and they clearly didn't bring enough plants with them to do that, unless the aliens feed all the animals the magic placenta material until new forests have developed. You can't have terraforming and Noah's Ark at the same time. If the aliens want to terraform the barren Earth then they'll have to accept that all the complex life they claim to cherish so much will go extinct, by their own hand, and evolution will have to start over again from bacteria. If the aliens want to preserve complex life they would have developed a human-specific virus that would have spared all other species. The aliens want to do both at the same time and would probably end up achieving neither.

So, since the alleged motivation and plan of the aliens makes absolutely no sense then we can suppose one of two things: 1. The writers never bothered to think things through and just got drunk and slapped a CGI-crapfest together in a weekend, or 2. The aliens are lying.

We're rational beings here, we know 1 is the correct answer, but just for fun let us assume the writers were intelligent and what they really intended was 2.

The aliens were hostile from the beginning because they wanted the Earth for their own use. They come to Earth and tell a couple of humans "You are not using your resources efficiently enough. We can use them more efficiently, so you must die." Mind you the aliens can control all electricity and all electronic devices, they have an unlimited power source, are capable of faster than light travel, and they can cancel inertia, they could easily transmit a signal to TVs, radios, and computers simultaneously without needing to physically meet at the UN building. This fact alone makes it look like a setup. The aliens could warn the planet but they decide to warn a handful of military personnel instead?

The aliens are classic invaders, and they are justifying their invasion in colonialist terms. The Chinese are not "invading" Tibet, they are "peacefully liberating" it, because the Tibetan people do not know how to live properly and must be "educated" and freed from the "oppression" of their government. Meanwhile half the population is "liberated" from living, all the Tibetan resources are extracted for Chinese use, and all the Chinese nuclear waste is dumped in Tibet.

Similarly, the aliens are not "invading" the Earth because they want to exploit it for themselves, they are "peacefully liberating" the Earth from the human "infestation".

Think about it. What is the difference between what humans are doing and what all other species do? Contrary to what Agent Smith said in the first Matrix, animals do not seek equilibrium, equilibrium just establishes itself naturally because the exploitative capacity of any group of animals is finite and is usually in line with the capacity of other competing species to avoid exploitation. When all the restraints are removed any species will use up all available resources until nothing is left. This is seen in every situation with an invasive species. Rats accidentally land on an island and within a few years all the native ground-nesting birds are extinct. The rats were not seeking equilibrium, they were following their biological directive to seek out resources and use them to make more rats. At the very least one can say humans are no more selfish than any other species, just that human capacity far exceeds that of all other species, so there is no competition, humans completely dominate in every environment, in every sphere of activity. In that sense humans are the most animal-like animals on the planet.

The one thing Humans have beyond other animals is rational intelligence. As smart as they are, chimpanzees and dolphins not only don't care about the environment, they do not know what an environment is. Not too long ago, in the grand scheme of things, humans developed the concept of an environment and realized "If we follow our biological directive and eat everything then there won't be anything to eat in the future, so if we want to survive we have to put limits on our biological directive and utilize the available resources in a more efficient way." Humans are the only creature on Earth that has ever had that thought. Humans are then, simultaneously, the only creatures capable of destroying the biosphere, the only species capable of preserving the biosphere, and the only species that knows what a biosphere is.

And in 4 billion years that thought has only arisen ONCE. The very same thought the aliens claim to profess only ever arose in ONE species on the Earth, and the aliens want to exterminate the ONE species like themselves, the ONE species that had moved beyond instinctual selfishness to rational selfishness and, in some cases, rational altruism. (It is mysterious to note that the event that led Keanu to spare humans was a single instance of a mother comforting her child, which is something most mammals do to preserve their own genes and is thus an instinctively selfish act, rather than, say, agriculture, or treaties limiting fishing or pollution, or the whole concept of protecting endangered species, or nuclear nonproliferation treaties that have done more to protect the environment than anything.)

The aliens, then, are more selfish than the humans. The aliens are not more moral, they just create moral-sounding language to justify their selfishness. This is the same thing all colonial powers do. The natives are too ignorant, or to racially inferior, or they are simply being oppressed, and so the moral colonialists must move in and take over, kill the ruling class (the humans) and use their technological, intellectual, and moral superiority to uplift the lives of the oppressed natives (other animals and plants). Not enough is known about the aliens' culture to say for certain which mode of colonialism best applies, but they seem very similar to Communist China to me.

Was that what the writers intended when they came up with this remake of the great sci-fi classic? Not a chance, they were just making a popcorn flick, but it certainly has been entertaining to over-analyze the film.
Anonymous #2297
The Wizard of Oz: transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets, then teams up with three strangers to kill again.
Anonymous #2297
@Dex Stewart
That's far from the strangest mashup I ever heard of. But this one doesn't belong here because, despite appearances, it's not crappy. Nothing about it is taken any more seriously than the premise merits, and everyone appears to be having great fun.

Anonymous #2297
@Dex Stewart
It still mystifies me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 selected the underrated This Island Earth for one of their mockfests, when it's vastly better written and has a vastly more interesting premise than the hamfistedly preachy, overtly political, smug The Day the Earth Stood Still. It must have been a matter of obtaining the rights. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm building an interocitor.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Not a "movie" technically, but I did the book of a movie once so a episode of a TV series is close enough. I watched this show called Medium. I have no idea what genera it falls under because it was two totally different shows smooshed together. The A story (I guess, it's hard to tell) is about this girl's first crush and her older sister helping her understand her feelings. It had to be the main focus of the plot because it took up about 60% of the run time. I'm guessing it's like a family drama series. The B story (maybe, it took up less time and it would be a pretty strange choice if this was the primary focus of the plot) is about this girl faking being schizophrenic to get away with murder and this actually kind of plain middle aged woman seeing visions of murders in dreams, like a supernatural mystery or something.

"Allegedly" according to these dreams her brother was the real killer. But the case was already closed and the judgment already handed out, so it literally doesn't matter because legally there's nothing that could have been done. Frumpy Dumpty keeps having visions and the head police guy doesn't believe her and doesn't care because there's legally nothing that can be done. She has no evidence, she would need a confession and even that wouldn't matter because the only person who could confess is legally insane so her confession wouldn't be admissible in court. Frumpy Dumpty lost from the very beginning.

Well it turns out that brother and sister are tag team murderers and one or both of them are able to murder sister's roommate, dismember the body, and (this is crucial for the end) take just the roommate's hand and use it to plant fake fingerprints. Brother doesn't take the whole body with him because that's the ass pull deus ex machina solution to the crime at the last minute.

In her stalkerish obsession to force a confession out of sister Frumpy Dumpty goads her into murdering brother (how again does Frumpy Dumpty get unlimited access to the psychiatric hospital?) in broad daylight and with a perfect alibi provided by Frumpy Dumpty! I'm not a lawyer but I'd think Frumpy would be on the hook for being an accessory to murder for pushing someone who is legally insane off the edge into committing a murder, but I'm not a lawyer.

At the end a video tape of the dead roommate repeating ambiguous statements allegedly made by sister shows up, but both dead roommate and sister have been declared legally insane so I'd hate to be prosecutor trying to use that tape as evidence of anything. It doesn't even constitute a confession, it could be taken in multiple different ways, including the ravings of a lunatic. This is somehow super duper convincing to the police guy because protagonist centered morality. We the viewer knows these visions are correct, it doesn't matter if the evidence is tissue thin, we have to end this show in two minutes, just go with it.

In the very last minute Frumpy Dumpty is still trying to coax a confession out of sister, who has won. Let's be totally honest, legally she's won. It doesn't matter if the visions of Frumpy Dumpty are correct, they are not admissible as evidence in court, everyone else involved in the crime is dead, the only new evidence would be thrown out or easily discredited by any competent defense attorney, a sentence has already been handed out and time is almost served for the only crime that could be pinned on anyone, it's done. Frumpy lost.

But THE ""GOOD"" GUYS HAVE TO WIN!!!!!!11 So police dogs are allowed inside the psychiatric hospital based on nothing more than a vision that is legally inadmissible as evidence, they find roommate's chopped up body missing the hand, and somehow, even though we know brother was the one who used the severed hand to commit a murder outside the hospital, a murder for which sister has an airtight alibi, somehow, deus ex fucking machina, sister is guilty and goes to prison at the last fucking minute because THE ""GOOD"" GUYS HAVE TO WIN!!!!!!1ELEVEN and the writers wrote a story, no they wrote half a story and the other half was filler, the writers wrote half a story and they wrote themselves into a corner from which there was literally no way to defeat the villain so they made something the fuck up!

I hate that so much. Fuck off Medium writers.

It reminds me of this cop show. Cop shows like to have deus ex machina endings. They also like to have cops beat up suspects during interrogations, which would automatically have any confessions thrown out and the suspects exonerated even if they really did commit the crime. The WORST offender is Law and Order SVU (especially anus crimes are referred to the SVU), where the police antagonized an innocent person to the point of suicide and they're the good guys. There was another episode where they basically said the police are justified murdering the boyfriend of a woman who happens to be really short because he must be a pedophile and she should never ever date anyone or the police will murder them too. SVU probably has the absolute most abhorrent morals I've seen in any TV series. Most of the cases the SVU brings to court would be thrown out or the defendant acquitted and, oh look double jeopardy! Can't try them again!

There was one cop show, I don't remember which one, they're all bullshit. The villain was this evil religious person (NOT a Muslim, can't ever portray them as evil or that's racist) and he got this girl pregnant or something but there was literally zero evidence and she refused to testify against him so he'd won. He had the stupid lady cop cornered in a fire and chains factory that exists as the final setting of action movies and the girl was going to shoot her with no witnesses. He'd won. And then in the last 45 seconds this super genius who had run the police in circles for an hour and had committed the perfect crime all of a sudden became brutally retarded and had the girl shoot him dead instead because the villain has to lose at the end and the writers had written themselves into a corner where there was literally no way he could lose.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Here's two.

Saw the movie The Girl on the Train. It was probably the boringest movie I've ever seen. Fuck butt nothing happens until the last 10 minutes, and absolutely nothing before that makes any sense. It's like diarrhea the movie. Calling this movie shit is too big a compliment. Shit can be kind of pleasant. This is the movie equivalent of diarrhea, the worst kind of shit there is.

This is one of those "art" films that probably got fifty awards for being nothing but pretentious, incomprehensible horseshit with people standing around staring directly into the camera and not saying anything, jumping through time infinity billion times so that you have no idea when any scene takes place, and having no likable characters except the baby who doesn't really do anything because babies don't do anything really.

Everyone breaks into everyone else's house all the time, and no one thinks to lock their doors because the first time someone locked the door the movie wouldn't exist.

Also, and this is probably a first for Hollywood, they used makeup and effects to make everyone look ugly for once instead of impossibly beautiful. I don't like looking at ugly people. Ugly people make me sad.

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(for some reason a dashed line appears but a line of equal signs is invisible, so here's two dashed lines)

I saw a "preview" for something called The Maze Runner. It's a movie series for people who like unnecessary trilogies. I think they were trying to cure death or something, and the cure is in the blood of this Chinese kid, because they kept focusing on him. He's in a Nazi white supremeist cattle car being taken away because I guess he's not white. There was this action sequence involving a train and some Mad Max style vehicles that looks like it was taken directly from the latest bullshit Mad Max sequel combined with the latest bullshit Star Wars sequel.

So there's this train and this Mad Max style car covered with some diamond plate because a few mils of steel is enough to stop an infinite number of bullets.

As a side note, Mad Max takes place in a desert so you would think that water would be the most precious resource, not gasoline.

As another side note, gasoline is so precious in the world of Mad Max that everyone has to attach flamethrowers to EVERYTHING to waste as much gas as possible.

So there's this like Jeep or something covered in thin steel on the cab and parts of the engine but not the fuel tank or the tires, and it drives up along this train full of non-white people. Some guy covered in shit is driving and there's this little girl with an illegal assault-style gun with a bump stock who climbs up on top of the Jeep, totally negating the whole point of adding fucking armor, and she shoots the evil white driver of the train perfectly with a single shot. Then several evil white Nazi supremeist guards shoot at the car and miss every single time because in the Real World® the military wants to employ the people who can't hit anything to save their lives.

Then this other Jeep comes along and there's an old ex-hippie driving with the Hero® kid, some non-threatening looking dude with scraggly hair. They get on the back of the train and it's the most obvious thing in the world the way the camera keeps focusing on the tire that it will have a blowout and you're not the least surprised when that happens and it's all DRAMATIC!!! and the ex-hippie almost falls to the ground but he's saved by the Hero® kid who looks like he can't even make a fist but he's apparently strong enough to haul this Boomer's fat American ass onto the train anyway.

The Hero® kid walks, no, saunters along the top of the train and finds the car with the non-white people in it. It is coincidentally right next to a car filled with tanks of propane designed to explode DRAMATICALLY!!!! The Hero® kid puts a sparkler between the two cars while evil Nazi white supremeists come and try to shoot at him. Armed with only a pistola the Hero® kid kills like six people before the sparkler sets off some sparks and the trains decouple. Five train cars, probably about 100 tons of metal and wood, INSTANTLY come to a stop for some reason even though the train was moving at a good 40 mph when the cars decoupled.

Meanwhile, the Jeep with the little girl and the other dude is being chased by something that can't decide whether it's a jet or a tiltrotor aircraft (it has both). This obviously computer generated vehicle shoots at the Jeep with exploding spark ammunition, because dirt doesn't spark when you shoot it otherwise in the Real World®, and even though the jet has advanced fire control systems and has multiple machine guns, it misses EVERY SINGLE TIME, miraculously hitting directicly to the left and right of the Jeep simultaneously. The Jet does a maneuver and comes in front of the Jeep and the Jeep stops. Instead of fucking shooting the Jeep the jet lands and evil Nazi white supremeists come out with illegal assault-style guns with bump stocks and they go to arrest little girl and the dude, who taunt them Laurel and Hardy style before some shit shoots out of the ground somehow and non-white people with illegal assault-style guns with bump stocks pop out and apprehend the evil Nazi white supremeists.

It was so stupid. Sadly, I CAN believe people paid good money to see this.
UrbanMysticDee
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I saw the last 20 minutes or so of a 2021 movie called Voyagers, which had a budget of $29 million and only made $4 million back. That makes me feel good. The poster looks like a porno, but I missed that part.



The story is The Lord of the Flies in space, so you already know what is going to happen. The trick is to take an old idea and do something interesting with it. But that doesn't happen here. Kids are sent in space because the voyage is too long to send adults. Only it's a multi-generation ordeal, so the kids have to be artificially inseminated at age 24 to have new kids who will themselves be artificially inseminated at age 24 (why 24? Don't know) for as many generations as necessary until the ship reaches its destination. Okay, so why not send adults in the initial crew if several generations were going to be born and die on the ship? Because we need to set up a conflict, that's why.

These kids are genetically engineered to be smarter, stronger, faster, and better looking than ordinary humans, but they still fuck up like normal kids so you wonder why they went through all that trouble in the first place. Also, you're sending people into space who are grown artificially so they have no concept of sex. What are they supposed to do when they reach the planet in 86 years? Don't know.

We jump ahead to the part I saw. The kids are engaged in interpersonal violence to establish a dominance hierarchy and the one kid who has the least inhibitions about killing easily becomes the de facto leader. He's a white boy who looks like a young Christian Bale. I thought they de-aged Christian Bale at first but it turns out to be someone I've never heard of named Fionn Whitehead. He's 24 fucking years old playing a kid. Meanwhile we have real kids in a porno released by Pedoflix. Think about that.

Discount Christian Bale has a best friend who's Chinese played by another unknown named Wern Lee, who apparently started acting in 2020.

All the other "kids" who are in their mid-20s and yet act like they're fucking 7 years old follow Discount Christian Bale except for Johnny Depp's daughter and some guy Tye Sheridan, who I've actually heard of. He looks like Andy Samberg. The two rebels run away and are chased down an endless maze of corridors (it's a space ship, why is it so huge inside?) by Discount Christian Bale and his goons who have guns with infinite ammo. During the chase they manage to kill one of the goons with a blow to the head from a fire extinguisher and a mystery injection. Then, despite being genetically engineered to be smarter than ordinary mortals they somehow fall for an obvious trap and are now running away from Discount Christian Bale.

They run down the only straight (gay) corridor in the ship sealing off the doors behind them like in Alien 3. Just like in Alien 3 they neglect to see if there's any back entrance to where they're going. It doesn't matter, since the alien is smarter than the genetically engineered genius "kid", and he doesn't bother looking for another way past the doors; he has infinite ammo so he just shoots them open.

Why do they have enough guns on the ship for an entire army when they know the only people who will be on the ship are dumb, reckless children with no adult supervision? Don't know.

Eventually Johnny Depp's daughter and Andy Samberg lock themselves into the air lock while Discount Christian Bale shoots his way through all the doors. He sees his enemies are locked in the air lock. What does he do? He has two options:

1. Open the fucking air lock and have his enemies get sucked out into space to die

or

2. Shoot the air lock door open so it can't be closed again, letting all the air in the ship escape into space, guaranteeing that everyone on board will be killed, just so he can engage in a fist fight with his enemies.

If you guessed 2 then congratulations, you have a bright future as a Hollywood screenwriter.

Discount Christian Bale shoots the fucking door open and they have a fist fight where he gets his shirt torn off so you can see his ripped chest. He tosses Andy Samberg into space after 70% of the oxygen in the ship has been vented (the computer is announcing the dropping oxygen count throughout the fight) and is about to get the jump on Johnny Depp's daughter when she kickes him in the face and he flies off into space to die.

Johnny Depp's daughter has two options at this point:

1. Close the fucking air lock door to keep everyone else from dying

or

2. Leave the air lock door open and stare out it mournfully, hoping that Andy Samberg will find some way to make it back in the ship while letting the last remaining oxygen vent into space.

If you guessed 2 then congratulations, you're a fucking retard.

So somehow Andy Samberg manages to get back in the air lock somehow and even though Discount Christian Bale shot it open they manage to get it closed.

Now the air is already only 20% oxygen. 70% of the oxygen escaped into space during the fight (the computer stopped counting when Discount Christian Bale died even though the doors remained open for another five minutes). That would bring us down, at best, to 0.06% oxygen in the entire ship. At those concentrations everyone on board would go unconscious within seconds and then die.

But what if the ship's air is 100% oxygen? Then there's still 30% left. You don't have ships with pure oxygen atmospheres you fucking dick, for obvious reasons. If the ship was filled with pure oxygen the whole thing would explode the first time someone fired a gun. But even if it was pure oxygen, at just 30% that's equivalent to the top of Mount Everest, where people can't breathe without oxygen tanks. Everyone on the ship would still be dead.

But it's a modern Hollywood shitfest, it doesn't have to make sense.

Johnny Depp's daughter and Andy Samberg make it back to the rest of the crew and they tell Chinese #2 "We killed Discount Christian Bale," so Chinese #2 is like "We're kewl now," and they become friends again. The movie ends with a shot of Johnny Depp's daughter and Andy Samberg eating lunch at the cafeteria.

The end.

It actually makes me feel good to know this movie bombed heavy at the box office, because shit like this deserves to be punished.

I give it an F.
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@UrbanMysticDee
You know, one of the main reasons why the original plot of Lord Of The Flies made sense is because the boys were stranded without any adult supervision by complete happenstance. Here they just purposefully did that because no one can think ahead. That's just kind of sad.

Also the boys in the book were like… 12 years old. Another one of the reasons why things turned out why they did. I sincerely hope they didn't try to make them that young in the movie, because if you were told a bunch of 12 year olds were going to be our big hope for establishing a colony on another planet any reasonable adult would've just cancelled the project right there and then.
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