Crappy Movie Synopsis Thread

UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
I like making fun of crappy movies. I want to see if you can do the same.

I'll start with a movie called Skybound

Saw a movie called Skybound. It must have been made for negative dollars because there are two sets and one of them is a green screen and the other is a single room. Also no one can act. At all. At no time was I convinced that I was watching something other than people who have never even tried to act at all in their entire lives pretend to act like normies believe actors act while acting.

Basically some 25 year old high school kids are on a private plane with some 60 year old man, who's diabetic by the way, and absolutely no one else because plot. There are two guys who are brothers and you can tell because they dress alike. There's also the token black guy.

Something happens and New York (referred to as Chicago because plot) is on fire, or something? So is Kansas City, so they can't land the plane.

No one knows what is going on and there is no communication with the outside world. All the information they have is from 2 day old newspapers that were left on the plane because plot. This movie takes place at Christmas, by the way.

It turns out that the newspapers conveniently out the old man as the leader of a cult that used LSD to brainwash people into believing the world was ending. He's diabetic and the diversity hire flushed his insulin down the toilet believing it to be LSD that the old man was pumping into the air of the plane to convince everyone the world was ending because plot. The old man conveniently dies within minutes.

This movie takes place on a plane.

The one brother somehow knows how to pilot a plane because plot and he takes the plane down to the clouds in Colorado because the plane has just as much fuel as the plot demands it to have. One of those clouds is a mushroom cloud and ash gets into the plane. Did I mention they had to open the door while the plane was in the air to vent all the bad air they thought was full of LSD?

They dive beneath the clouds to find that Monument Valley, I shit you not, is on fire and bison are running around on fire while the ground is covered in pools of lava because the most obvious target of a nuclear attack is the middle of nowhere.

They then go back up really high and girl's dad calls her on the plane, this movie takes place on a plane, by the way. He's the only person to have survived the end of the world and he lives in a mansion by a fireplace and he dresses like Hugh Hefner. He says that 11 nuclear missiles were fired from Russia and the only way to survive is to stay… "Skybound"! Where have I heard that before? The signal then cuts out, conveniently.

The brothers then realize they have Wikipedia on the plane and pull up an article about Hiroshima that tells them 2 important, and wrong, plot points: 1. modern nucular weapons are exactly 7 times more powerful than they were in 1945, and 2. radiation has unlimited omnidirectional range over land but very limited range over water, while showing a picture of the Castle Bravo fallout cloud that was very much over water.

Blondie then reveals she's good at maths and gets shit-faced and calculates that flying to Canada or Mexico is a death sentence because radiation has unlimited range over land, and they don't have enough fuel to reach Hawaii because plot.

They then decide to cut stuff out of the plane with a hatchet they brought along because plot and dump it (and presumably the dead man's body, because we never see it again) into the sea. But that's still not enough to get them to Hawaii, because plot.

They're in an airplane, did I mention that?

One of the brothers goes outside the plane and uses the hatchet to, I shit you not, cut one of the engines off the plane so they are light enough to make it to Hawaii. He dies.

They almost make it in the middle of the night when the fuel runs out and they instantly drop straight down, because the wings of a plane don't generate lift and can't glide for several miles without power, and hit the sea.

Everyone then wake up completely dry on the beach and we see the Murican flag waving in the distance while someone on the radio, which no one brought with them but appears on the beach because plot, says that thousands of survivors have escaped to Canada, Mexico, and Hawaii, which are the only places safe from the radiation.

The end.
Anonymous #FACA
RoboCop 2014
Army stuff with drones,some boring stuff…
Murphy is gingerly bumped backwards by a car bomb. He has some fire on his pants,but his family is right there! They can help! Cut to the hospital where his body is so badly burned they think he'll die. Boy,his family sucks big ones. Anyway,the big bad businessmen turn him into RoboCop. He freaks out and runs like Buzz Lightyear.
He spots a bad guy once,and then goes home.
His suit is all black now. It looks like rubber. He bullrides some bad cgi ed209's,then I don't remember cause it frickin sucked. I gotta say,it takes talent to make a worse Robocop movie than RoboCop 3.
And the music is ass.

This is Dex,for some reason this post was anonymous.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
I saw the 1978 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers last night. Here's what Wikipedia has to say:

"It initially received varied reviews from critics, though its critical reception has significantly improved in subsequent years, receiving a 95% on Rotten Tomatoes, and also being hailed as one of the greatest remakes ever as well as one of the best science-fiction horror films of all time."

Here's what I have to say:

It's shit. Absolute total shit. Despite having at least 3 A-listers on board, it was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. The acting was worse than some school plays I've seen, with some of the top actors of all time phoning in some of the absolute worst performances in the entire history of cinema.

Absolutely zero money was spent on wardrobe, as everyone wore the exact same outfit (as if they were me) over the course of about a week, with at least two or maybe three of the characters wearing the exact same coat, as if they were on sale at K Mart or something at the time.

The last third of the movie was shot in near total darkness from some of the worst angles I have ever seen. The sound quality was shit, the dialogue was shit, the effects were sub-par for movies made during that era, and there's a scene where a dog with a man's face appears out of butt fuck nowhere, for no other reason than to scare the humans and out them in front of the aliens, and then disappears with no explanation and is never spoken of again.

Now the two worst aspects. First, the movie breaks its own rules. When you have a movie where something impossible happens, like alien plants invade and duplicate people or zombies come back to life, you have to establish the rules early on and stick with them to the very end. It's already been established two things: 1. the aliens just float in from space and 2. it takes hours for a person to be duplicated. If we take 1 at face value then why do the aliens need to establish a base in San Francisco and then have pods trucked out to everywhere else? Couldn't they just waft in anywhere and everywhere on the planet simultaneously? This does not make sense. This is a major plot hole. The other major plot hole is 2, it takes hours for a person to be duplicated. For 3/4 of the movie this is a major plot point, because three times people have fallen asleep and we watch the pod grow a duplicate very slowly, slow enough that the person can be woken up and the duplicate will die. Yet somehow, for "drama" or lack of time or whatever, near the very end when Brooke Adams' character falls asleep for like a second, despite there being no pods in the vicinity, she crumbles to dust and a new perfectly formed duplicate appears naked in the bushes instantly to scare Donald Sutherland. This is the second major plot hole, and taken together they absolutely ruin this movie.

And the second worst aspect is the script. This is some of the absolute worst writing I have ever seen. Okay, so we begin the movie, the beginning, the very beginning, where the aliens invade. Maybe two characters are very partially introduced, and then in the next scene hundreds of people have already been replaced. It's like the whole first act was cut out. Brooke Adams (I don't remember any of the characters names except Donald Sutherland was Matthew because they said his name seven, eight thousand times) goes to Donald Sutherland and says "My boyfriend has been replaced, his personality is totally different!" Let's not introduce the character and spend 20 minutes getting to know him so we the audience can be sure he's different, let's introduce him out of nowhere already replaced and just take it as given he's different. The same thing happens with everyone. Characters are not introduced until after they are replaced and we're supposed to take as given that they are different. There's zero chance of getting into the movie because the entire first third, where the world and the characters are introduced, was omitted for whatever reason. It wasn't run time, because the movie was almost 2 hours long and they had time enough to repeat several plot points three times, just so we would get it.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers 1978 shouldn't have been released to theaters, it shouldn't even even have been released straight to video, it should have been released straight into the garbage.
Napsack
Rampant Stag - A swift sidekick
Rampant Squirrel - A ferocious friend
Fried Chicken - Attended an april fools event
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Donor | Pinkie Pie - Pie family best family
Liberty Belle -

Moderator
Seen too much, and yet
I'm a fan of watching shitty disaster movies because they're always the cheesiest balls of ass, so have a bad review.


Did any of you ever hear of San Andreas? No? That really wouldn't surprise me. If you're wondering it came out in 2015, and the most notable actor in it was The Rock. Literally everyone else might as well have a question mark for a face because I couldn't point them out in a crowd if I tried. They are just that forgettable.

We start out with our protagonist (played by our one notable actor) having to save a woman from a car improbably stuck on the side of an almost-sheer cliff face. He flies in with his helicopter, lowers a dude to help her, everyone almost dies but then they don't because he's just that good at being a pilot, and then they all fly home and live happily ever after.

I should also note that during that scene he flies his helicopter under a rock ledge which should be entirely impossible to fly back out from under, but this narrative isn't big on paying attention to details like that. Don't worry about it.

Through a few establishing scenes we learn that he has become distant from his family and pines for the days in which they still used to be a loving unit, but his wife's new husband is a rich businessman and The Rock is far too busy being a handsome muscular superhero who saves people on the daily to ever be capable of loving her properly, and it's obvious that his daughter needs a better father figure in her life than him. Obviously.

There are also some seismologists involved in this plot, and they've discovered a magical new way to detect earthquakes before they happen. Unfortunately for them, a test of their new method goes horribly wrong when the dam they're setting up shop in collapses during one of said earthquakes, tragically killing one of their colleagues by somehow impaling him through the foot with a piece of rebar when all he did was awkwardly trip over. But he saved a kid, so we can't really feel sad about it.

The seismologists get back to their university and begin poring over their data. One of them notices a terrible pattern that implies the entirety of Los Angeles and possibly California itself could soon be destroyed, but before they can let everyone know it all happens anyway. Perfect dramatic timing!

A few montages of destruction happen, with The Rock's wife ending up on top of a collapsing building whilst everyone else dies around her. Through a dramatic and ridiculously miraculous series of action scenes The Rock arrives with his helicopter and rescues her off the roof, right before the building finally gives way and collapses/explodes.

As an aside, the funniest thing about the flying sequences (of which there are a couple) is looking at the background air shots of LA while they're up there and seeing everything be completely fine, then cutting to the ground shots where all the buildings are swaying like palm trees in the wind and everything is on fire. It's a small but crucial detail they apparently decided no one would notice.

His daughter meanwhile is with her new father-in-law, in a parking garage. Their car is disabled and she ends up trapped, and the businessfather quickly panics and abandons his new teenage daughter-in-law, leaving her for dead. Fortunately there's two brothers she met earlier nearby, both with horribly fake british accents, and they somehow manage to pry her out. This will definitely further their romantic chemistry, pre-established by a small scene where was applying for a job and they have a very awkward scene showing off their total lack of chemistry.

A variety of cheap action scenes follow as the two groups attempt to reunite, including but not limited to:
-a helicopter crash in a parking lot
-a wannabe smooth getaway scene in a car advertisement
-almost crashing said car in a ditch
-flying in a small plane and again crash landing in a field somewhere
-listening to dramatic announcements on the radio
-walking

Speaking of listening to dramatic announcements, soon our protagonists hear the lovely news that there's going to be a pool party, and the whole city is invited! So they all run to high ground — or, in the case of the parents to a boat, which they then drive out into the harbour along with half of the city. Here we get a very fun scene of them attempting to climb an almost 90-degree water surface (aka a tsunami) in a small fishing trawler. By some blasphemy of Hollywood physics, they make it.

Oh hey, remember the business stepfather dude from earlier? Well, he's on the golden gate bridge, and you know what happens to recognizable landmarks in disaster films! So he got his comeuppance, and I'm sure it made everyone clap in some obscure movie theatre somewhere. One I will never visit, if there is any hope left in the world.

The tsunami continues doing its thing and wrecks what's left of the city, trapping the daughter and her new friends in some collapsing skyscraper. The rest of the movie is exactly what you'd expect: Dad and mom try to rescue kid, kid almost dies but doesn't because that would be too sad and you already know that as an audience member so there's literally no dramatic tension whatsoever, everyone grows closer as people and as a family because that's what surviving through adversity does to people.

Of course there's also an end for the seismologists as well, because their work is important. So they have an interview with a reporter, explain to everyone what has happened and what it means, and then what I assume is an editing fuckup occurs as the reporter lady just decides to claim that the government ignored the seismologists warnings despite them never being able to send them in the first place. Just… no fucks given, here.

In conclusion, this is a movie you should probably watch only to play a disaster movie drinking game during. Otherwise, spend your time elsewhere.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
@Napsack
I did not "see" San Andreas, but I did see the trailer, and it looked like it had okay special effects. Alexandra Daddario also has lovely eyes, and nice tits.

About the accents, I didn't "see" the movie, but it says it was shot in Australia, so that might explain that.

I think I can do one better in terms of earthquake movies. The grand failure of them all: Megafault. I wrote the following humorous list after seeing it:

60 Things I've Learned from the Movie "Megafault"

1. Earthquake killed ten miners instantly but took its time to chase the foreman, even waiting for him to get in his truck

2. An earthquake movie is sponsored by Quaker Oatmeal

3. Earthquake in Kentucky knocked over the Washington Monument but none of the windows in Washington shattered and nothing in the hundreds of miles between the two places were damaged

4. Earthquakes don't "move" and they don't have "paths"

5. When the foreman is rescued from his truck five hours later he can still run faster than anyone else even though he hasn't moved that whole time

6. After the foreman is rescued the earthquake comes back and chases him some more

7. Earthquake tries to suck a helicopter from the sky

8. Only buildings in the "path" of the earthquake get destroyed, all surrounding buildings are spared

9. Earthquake can toss a car like a toy in a wind tunnel but can't even shake the people trying to outrun it on foot

10. Buildings break into large jagged pieces like in children's drawings

11. When planes lose contact with the control tower they immediately crash because they're "flying blind" even on perfectly cloudless days

12. The earthquake is very slowly moving across the United States and will split it in half

13. Earthquakes do not work that way

14. When planes lose contact with the control tower the "transponder" causes the engines to explode, even though they're not connected and a transponder is just a radio transmitter and you can turn it off with no ill effects to the plane

15. A satellite from 1989 has a beam that can instantly freeze the water table of an area, causing an earthquake, somehow

16. "Megafault" is the least accurate movie ever

17. "Megafault" is the most cornball movie ever

18. Earthquakes can chase things with fireballs

19. "Stop the truck!" "I can't there's an earthquake on our tail!"

20. Government building is built on a "gyroscope" so earthquakes can't get in

21. The people who made "Megafault" (The Asylum) don't know what words mean or how anything works

22. "Megafault" is less accurate than the movie where an electric demon brought a black hole to earth ("The Black Hole" 2006)

23. There's only one seismologist in the world and she's the main character

24. The only things that can stop an earthquake are another earthquake or the Grand Canyon because it's already a hole in the ground so it absorbs earthquakes

25. A helicopter can outrun a laser

26. Earthquakes are only as fast as whoever they chase

27. When a laser shuts off the beam sucks back in

28. Thermodynamics means nothing in the world of "Megafault"

29. "P-waves have dissipated to 40" doesn't mean anything

30. Earthquakes can be frozen

31. A geologist said "mantle, what mantle" even though he's 60 years old and should know the earth has a mantle by now

32. Destabilizing the mantle with an ice laser causes people to spontaneously combust, leaving all their clothes unsinged.

33. An ice laser can set off a volcano

34. SyFy movies are even much worse than SciFi movies

35. "Why can't we move the Grand Canyon?"

36. One miner created an entire series of interconnected coal mines in Wyoming

37. Coal mines do not work that way

38. It is possible for one team, given only two hours, to fill 35 mines with a few crates of explosives and create a canyon

39. Earthquakes like to follow certain people and kill others who just appear in one scene instantly

40. "You can't outrun these explosives" but he can outrun five earthquakes in one day

41. 20 million tons of TNT

42. 20 million tons of TNT looks like a few small crates

43. Earthquakes really hate certain people

44. "Megafault" ends with a satellite image of a hundred mile deep split in the country

45. In movies redemption = death

46. In "Megafault" redemption = death

47. To make up for his crappy life the foreman had to die to save the world

48. The Asylum made "Megafault"

49. The Asylum made "Megafault" so that explains but in no way excuses it

50. "Birdemic"

51. "Birdemic" is a zero-budget 2009 ripoff of "The Birds"

52. "Birdemic" is even worse than "Megafault"

53. The miner foreman is appropriately named Boomer

54. "Megafault" is a mockbuster of a made for TV movie "10.5"

55. Even though "the President" is mentioned throughout the first half of "Megafault" he never makes an apperance in the movie

56. The whole meeting "the President" theme of the first half hour of "Megafault" is mysteriously dropped and never mentioned again

57. The Asylum had to contact NASA to calculate how bad "Megafault" is

58. "Megafault" has more stupid things than "Paycheck"

59. Good actors are willing to perform in crap movies

60.
Napsack
Rampant Stag - A swift sidekick
Rampant Squirrel - A ferocious friend
Fried Chicken - Attended an april fools event
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Donor | Pinkie Pie - Pie family best family
Liberty Belle -

Moderator
Seen too much, and yet
@UrbanMysticDee
I think I did actually watch parts of that, once. I distinctly remember the plot point about the north american continent reverting to the way it was millions of years ago and creating a massive 'river' (more like a sea) in the middle of the US, as if the bedrock had some deep dinosaur nostalgia or something.

Vaguely reminds me of Japan Sinks 2020, an anime that decided to fart itself into existence on Netflix a few months back. It's about as equally stupid and scientifically inaccurate, but it's not a movie so it doesn't quite fit here unfortunately.

Edit: Also, San Andreas did have pretty bad effects. Like, made-for-tv level stuff at times. Some of it was fairly decent though, I'll give it that.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Saw a movie called Devil's Pass. It's a "found footage" movie, meaning it's shite and there are scenes in porno night vision. A group of kind of plain looking people and a fatty with a face like a jack-o-lantern who have never acted before in their entire lives are making a mockumentary about the Dyatlov Pass incident, where some Russian hikers died under mysterious circumstances.

Of course they make sure to leave the cameras rolling during all the parts that have absolutely nothing to do with the documentary they are working on just in case they die and someone decides to make their home movies into a horror flick. This includes night vision sex, I shit you not. The "film makers" actually record themselves having sex. Of course fatty cheeseburger, who is the main character and her character's name is her real name because none of these people are actors, is jelly and some guy gives her a bottle of Jack because we're going to be camping in the woods for one night and have to have sex because we have to earn our R rating.

There's an avalanche or something and the kind of plain girl gets thrown into the camera with a wide-the-fuck-open mouth because that's how everyone dies. The guy who does her gets his leg broke and he's surprisingly coo with two amateurs resetting the bone, which is sticking out of his leg, by hitting it with a board while someone off camera breaks some celery. I'll admit that was the one moment where I winced. Celery really does sound gross.

So some Ivans find them in the morning because they stupidly launch a flare that goes all of ten feet and they shoot the cripple because they're racist against cripples. Fatty Cheeseburger, Jack, and some other guy then go to the bunker they found the other night and they go inside because being locked inside a Cold War bunker to die in agony over several days is better than getting shot, or taking your chance running knowing the people following you have a finite number of bullets and they've already used several. And there's like trees and shit, you can't just duck?

Inside they find two tunnels leading off in the same general direction and the lights start blowing out because zombies. You know it's going to be zombies because it's a found footage film, it has to be zombies. So they go down the other tunnel and find pictures of the Philadelphia Experiment, which was originally featured in Playboy, believe it or not. Jack just so happens to be an expert on the subject.

Inside the tunnel they find obviously CGI zombies who kill the other guy. Fatty Cheeseburger and Jack lock themselves into another room and find a worm hole with spider veins. They theorize that the worm hole will take you wherever you focus, but it has to be someplace fresh in your mind. Now even though I could picture every square inch of my house with my eyes closed these two idiots focus on the outside of the bunker where two men with guns are waiting for them.

They then appear outside the bunker as corpse men in 1959. Reds take them inside the bunker, which was new at the time, and undress them for some reason. They also take the camera, which is rather considerate, and place it where we can see the bodies because that's exactly what a soldier would do when he finds a piece of alien technology with a couple of bodies. The Reds leave and we see the two naked bodies hanging from meat hooks for some reason and we see… surprise!… NOT! The two zombies are really Fatty Doo Doo and Johnny Walker! They've been alive/undead inside the tunnel since 1959 because it's a found footage film and there's only so many different ideas we can use for those.

The sad part is IMDB shows production stills and they had some really decent makeup effects for the zombies. Why they decided to go with early Tomb Raider quality CGI is beyond me.

Oh and that camera Ivan Drago places on the operating table? He left it on since 1959 and the batteries didn't go dead until 2013 when Fatty and Jack found it. I got to get me some of those batteries. The batteries in my camera last 45 minutes tops.
Dex Stewart
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Boot badge - It's Bootiful
Fried Chicken - Attended an april fools event
Artist -
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Ecto-Phase,Activate!
Here's a post from my Power Rangers Rewatch project from DeviantArt:


Turbo A Power Rangers Movie

I have ALOT to say about this one.
The movie starts with an opening text scroll like the first movie, except unlike the first movie,this scroll doesn’t just explain the premise,it gives away nearly the whole plot!

Anyway,Lerigot,a little Ewok-Hobbit is being chased by armored dudes,and manages to escape by shooting the quake logo out of a little magic wand he has.

Over on Earth,Dirty Harry has kicked Scorpio off the bus, and now Kat has taken over forcing the kids to keep singing Row Row Row Your Boat.Justin doesn’t want to sing.He’s being a little pouty-pants.

Meanwhile,Rocky,a trained martial artist somehow throws himself out of the ring in a training match.His back goes all ouchies.

The bus with the kids was apparently coming to watch martial artists train? Okay.Whatever.Justin knows Rocky from…somewhere.

So now the story switches back to the armored dudes who were after Lerigot.Divatox screams at them and we’re introduced to her henchman,who both sound like Digimon.Exveemon and Wargreymon.Elgar and Rygog.Elgar is a cyborg for some reason.Maybe it was foreshadowing for what happens at the end, and in the first episode of turbo the series.He’s really durable.Then we switch back to yet another thing,The newly redesigned Power Chamber,along with a shiny new Alpha.They yammer for a bit,then it’s back to Rocky’s story.He’s in the hospital,and Justin comes in to see him.Justin hears someone coming,and hides under the bed.Why?We don’t know.That part was edited out of the movie,because it was apparently more important to keep cutting back and forth all over the place! The scene that would have explained Justin hiding under the bed would have gone something like this:The kids go on the bus back to Little Angels’ Haven,A children’s shelter,but Justin stows away with the rangers on their way to the hospital to see Rocky.

The Rangers get a message from Zordon,and Justin sees them teleport, he comes out and Rocky sees him.Justin’s all like,”You guys are the Power Rangers?!”

But enough of character development for Justin! He’s just a pointless character who won’t matter to the movie’s plot at all.

Zordon tells the Rangers that Lerigot is wandering around some jungle and Tommy and Kat have to go get him,but not the other Rangers because there’s a simple explanation for that.Lerigot is being led around by some chimps whom some I’m pretty sure go around to play Bulk and Skull in Turbo.

Bulk and Skull are back from France, at a baseball game, and also they’re back on the police force with Stone.No explanations needed.Power Rangers isn’t a crazy popular show with millions of viewers worldwide.They don’t need context.Anyway,Stone mentions he has to get to the international Dance-a-Thon,to see his niece, maybe? She’s introduced as a dancer a few episodes later in Turbo.

Theres a scene back at the Power chamber where Adam says,”I have a bad Feeling about this.”So that’s what wrong with this movie! Its 90’s George Lucas!

Here’s the absolute WEIRDEST thing in the movie,Kat falls off a cliff,and begins to morph.As she hits the water,her morph…shorts out? What? Why did that happen? Again, no explanation. Johnny Bosch has said that there was a deleted scene of Divatox destroying the Zeo Zords,but no footage or behind the scenes pictures have ever surfaced. There’s a scant couple images of Adam and Tanya teleporting by going though those big colorful pillars in the back of the Power Chamber.There was also entire characters cut from the movie including a mermaid that Adam falls in love with(I wonder if any of the mermaid stuff made for this movie got reused in Lightspeed).There was a skeletal guide who shows them the way to the Ghost Galleon later,and TONS of other stuff.

Elagar kidnaps Bulk and Skull,who have green stains on their shirts, where did those come from? Were they from another deleted scene?For some reason,them getting brainwashed by Elgar makes them speak in Pidgeon-foreign accents and turns their hair gray.I guess there’s a simple explanation for that.Kimberly and Jason are scuba diving nearby(how original)and they get kidnapped too.

Tommy and the other Rangers react with surprise when they see Kimberly and Jason.Kim’s been gone for quite some time,but Jason was still on the show in Zeo.How much time has passed since the end of Zeo?

Alpha can speak Liarian,or whatever Lerigot’s language is,just like how Tensou can speak Andresian to Orion in Megaforce.

Lerigot gives himself up to Divatox and the Rangers are bummed out

Divatox, meanwhile is on her submarine ship and pontificating to herself,when a fly buzzes by.She shoots out her tongue like a frog and eats the fly.Kinda like Camille and Flit in Jungle Fury.

Kim has a line while she’s captive, “This is so lame…”.That’s the quote they should put on the movie’s box.

The Rangers stand around a giant Simon game and Zordon says that they are creating new Zords.Whether or not the components already exist or not isn’t explained.I’m guessing so,since the zords are immediately there. The Rangers finally morph for the first time 38 minutes into the movie.As they get into their Zords, Tommy yells “Power Up! Then they de-morph and drive their Zords unmorphed.

Elgar tells Divatox that Lerigot is dying and Divatox calls it “Thingy”.That’s actually pretty funny.

The Rangers slooooowly pul up to the docks…then Sloooowly get out of their Zords.This scene was absolutely necessary to the plot and couldn’t be cut.When they’re walking onto the Ghost Galleon,theres a scene cut that actually does show up in the show,in the first episode’s recap of the movie,theres a scene of Kat getting startled by a skeleton.Anyway,Justin shows up and he’s the new Blue Ranger.He’s been such a big part of the movie,and we’ve gotten to know so much about him,he really deserves it.

We get a looooong shot of the Rangers wandering around the Galleon.Another scene we ABSOLUTELY needed.

Hope for the World is a pretty cool song.

Oh hey,Divatox planted Gremlins on the ship! Oh,wait,they’re Putripods.

Justin has a strange line here,where Kat talks to him about his new powers, and he says of his friends,”It’s for me to know and them to find out.” NO,Justin,they should NOT find out! I never understood this phrase.I’m glad Elgar would proceed to twist it into a phrase that actually makes sense later in the show.

A Putripod slowly walks up to Justin and he doesn’t morph,or fight…for a while because we have to pad this movie out somehow in a way that doesn’t actually advance the plot.

48 minutes into this POWER RANGERS movie,we finally have a fight.a slow,awkward,dark murky and slightly shaky fight.

Tanya makes a joke about the Love Boat.You were expecting maybe the Addams Family?

So,back to Jason and Kim,they were trying to hold their brig door shut,but now they’re trying really hard to pry it open?

Elgar was on the phone,was he talking to Porto in a deleted scene?

Back to the Galleon,the rangers have to use their morpher keys to get through a portal to the magic island Muiranthias.Justin drops his key for a few seconds. Turbo! Small inconveniences to pad things out!

Kim and Jason escape with Bulk and Skull,but for some reason Jason stays behind.He does stop to free Kim’s shirt which got stuck on something(padding),but he still had plenty of time to escape.

“Thar she blows,Land ahoy! Shiver me timbers! I always wanted to say that.” Brilliant scene! It gives us such insight into the character of Justin!

Divatox calls Rita,who’s in bed with Zedd.Enjoy that image.

Rita basically tells Divatox screw you,and that’s nice.

Kim washes up on shore,and oh hey,there’s that meme image of Kim’s butt!

Some more padding with Adam and the Rangers coming ashore,and Adam jumping rocks for a while.

The island natives,”Malakayas” capture Kim and Bulk and Skull.They lead Divatox and her henchman to the Volcano.

The Rangers morph 1:11 in to the movie! The Rangers run up to the volcano, and there’s an evil Dead Cam on the way!

Jason and Kim turn evil and deep-voiced.It’s lame.But a fun kind of lame,or maybe I’m just desensitized.

Elgar gets thrown into the pit,But somehow he comes back in the series with just some smoke coming off him,like a Looney Tunes character.

Divatox finally summons forward Maligore,whom she plans to marry. I don’t know what she was expecting,but her Reaction is genuinely hilarious.

Maligore is a baby Dark Specter,which was a fan theory I got from Amit Bhaumik.It’s SO nice to see such a well-made U.S. original monster.The Megazord formation is also really cool and well done.The Megazord’s cockpit is so cool,and I wish they had continued to use it in the series.

Lerigot seems to be feeling better,did his wife Yara heal him? Is that a natural ability his people have?

I sure hope the choice of charity in the martial arts competition was mutual,That would explain the pre-made check.

Ernie is in the audience,and it’s kind of sad to know this would be his final appearance in Power Rangers.

I love the song that plays at the end,Turbo Time.

More scenes play over the end credits.Too bad they didn’t play bloopers like in the show.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
I watched Dante's Peak today for the first time in years. Did you know you have to wait about 40 minutes before anything happens? They want to set up the bullshit love story between the single mom and Pierce Brosnan, who is one of the least convincing scientists I've ever seen. It's a movie about a volcano, I came to see the volcano, I don't care about what all these humans are doing.

Anyway, there is a subplot with a NASA robot that looks like it's wasting a lot of time (and it is), but the radio transmitter turns out to be something useful during the last five minutes. It's kind of an ass pull solution to having Pierce and his new family survive.

Oh look, another subplot with the stubborn mother-in-law, who dies anyway, to inject even more unneeded melodrama into the story! Pierce and his new family go out of their way to rescue her, twenty minutes go by, they get trapped by the volcano, and wouldn't you know it the old woman jumps into the acid lake for no reason, gets seriously burned, and dies two minutes later. But they needed a way to get Pierce and his new family trapped so they could use the stupid NASA thing that they wasted another twenty minutes explaining, so they had to do this, right?

Pierce's boss justifiably refuses to go against all reason, evidence, and the opinions of nine other scientists, and order an evacuation of the town because of Pierce's gut reaction. It doesn't matter that Pierce has NOTHING supporting him (except the old frog in the pot aphorism, which he pulls out of nowhere and looks ridiculous compared to the nine other geologists real life stories of hundreds of real life volcanoes that did the same thing and didn't erupt). It doesn't matter that there has been no activity for a week and that Pierce comes off as a lunatic who is trying to score with the mayor (and probably does when they're trapped in the convenient cave). Nope. Pierce's boss is evil (and FAT! They have to make the designated villain the fattest person in the whole movie, because we all know fat people are evil and sexy beefcake Pierce Brosnan is good because he's sexy.). Pierce's boss MUST die in a mudslide, get flipped over, and girly scream before being crushed to death. He's probably the only person in the whole movie we actually see get killed and they had to give him a comical death because if you EVER disagree with Pierce Brosnan about ANYTHING you MUST DIE! It's not even enough that he apologized on the phone to Pierce before getting killed. Nope. You must die. And girly scream. I'm surprised they didn't show him peeing his pants, given everything else they did to humiliate him.

But the dog has to live, right? THE DOG HAS TO LIVE! And hey, it looks like it was never in any danger ever. Good job. You saved the dog that was in maybe thirty seconds of the movie. The humans who did absolutely nothing wrong? Nope. Kill them with extreme prejudice. But the totally unimportant dog has to live.

The volcano has liquid lava and then explodes, which I'm not saying could never happen, but I don't think it ever has. Sure, it can happen. The atoms in my body can quantum tunnel into orbit around Jupiter and I can freeze to death, but it probably will never happen. Having highly fluid lava pretty much rules out the possibility of an explosive eruption, which requires very thick lava that traps all the gas inside until it blows.

Pierce finds an abandoned truck with no keys and hotwires it in two seconds. Because all geologists can hotwire all vehicles if they are sexy enough.

Pierce then drives his magic truck through a lava flow safely. I'll give you a few minutes to let that sink in. Pierce drives his magic truck through a lava flow safely. The tires should have burst the second they touched the lava, and everyone inside should have been killed by the heat at the very least. We see the wheel wells raging with flames, for five minutes while he's driving through lava, LAVA, and nothing happens. He just drives through lava and nothing happens.

They outrun the 800 mph pyroclastic flow which instantly obliterates the whole town, but we all know an abandoned truck caked with volcanic ash that Pierce Brosnan hotwired then drove through lava can travel at 801 mph. He drives it into a cave, which should have been a death trap, but he's Pierce Brosnan, so he lives. And now he has a new family because there's nothing traumatizing about surviving a volcanic eruption. Nope. Pierce gets to bang the single mom and gets to play daddy to her two kids who are the reason the whole second half of the movie even happened, because they are too dumb to live. And how did the 8 year old boy even reach the peddles on the truck, let alone drive it ten plus miles up the volcano to rescue the stubborn mother-in-law? Doesn't matter, because happy ending.

This movie really blows.
Napsack
Rampant Stag - A swift sidekick
Rampant Squirrel - A ferocious friend
Fried Chicken - Attended an april fools event
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Donor | Pinkie Pie - Pie family best family
Liberty Belle -

Moderator
Seen too much, and yet
@UrbanMysticDee
The only criticism of this review I have is that you forgot the funniest scene in the movie, in which the Brosnan and love interest person attempt to ford a river in an suv. A few cars follow them in, to which Pierce remarks "They'll never make it." Cue him immediately becoming stuck as the river becomes too deep to cross and they both lose their shit panicking.

I swear that scene will never not make me laugh, especially because it's played completely straight and is so damn melodramatic. It's not meant to be comedic at all. And then to add insult to injury, one of those doomed cars knocks into them and saves their asses, and they just drive away without a care in the world.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
The Not-So Lovely Bones

I didn't ""technically"" watch the movie, but I read the book, so I know the movie would be crappier still.You think, a girl gets murdered and tries to communicate to her family about who did it. What could be more exciting than that?

It sucked.

I could use this book in a writing class on how not to write well, and also as an example of how total crap can still manage to sell millions of copies.

There is a shopping list of characters I had trouble keeping track of, they were so plain and unappealing. I didn't care about a single one of them, except the villain, who I wanted to finally be brought to justice, but he wasn't. The few characters who I do remember I could probably summarize in a couple of words.

You have the mother, who is a selfish disgrace, who has an affair with the keystone cop who has never solved a murder case in his entire career (as evident from the stack of pictures he keeps in his wallet of all the victims he never found), while her husband is in the hospital after being savagely beaten by a thug who he accidentally ran across trying to get laid in a corn field. She then runs off without telling anyone to California for a decade because she just wanted sex, not kids. When she comes back under unbelievable circumstances (her husband has a heart attack and all of a sudden she cares enough to go back home) it's only the teenage son, who she left as a toddler, who has the guts to tell her to fuck off for being a horrible monster of a person, but in the end all is forgive and forget.

The father who, I don't even know what he does, it's mentioned he worked once, but let's assume he's on the welfare because in every scene he is in his study writing down theories of his daughter's death and brooding. He's the butt monkey of the story who gets beaten up, cheated on, and nearly dies.

The sister who is in permanent bitchy mode for several chapters until she becomes the bland, featureless girlfriend of some guy who is equally featureless who drives a motorcycle. He's some kind of a carpenter I think.



He's presented as kind of a bad boy greaser, but he's about as exciting as tepid bath water. They have sex at summer camp, I think.

The brother who tries really hard to be the one normal character in the whole book, but he becomes cold and distant later on after putting up with the collective shit of all the other characters.

The alcoholic grandmother who's been around the block more than a few times acts kind of as a comedy relief character. She also serves as a foil to the mother for a couple of chapters before she runs away to California.

The Indian woman neighbor wants a divorce because she's not living a story book romance.

Her son, the dead girl's boyfriend. He's supposed to be like the most smoking hot guy who ever lived because he's the one brown person in a town of white people. He's that guy all the girls go crazy for and you can never figure out why he's getting laid every night while you and your friends can't get any. Aside from the fact that he's the ONE foreign boy in town I can't figure out why he's so damn attractive. He has sex with the dead girl when she possesses the body of the feminazi in the second to last chapter. I shit you not. They're a half mile from the murder scene, the dead girl possesses the body of this girl who's driving with the Indian guy, and she has a couple hours with him to tell him "hey, my body is buried right there, behind those trees. You can solve the murder that's been open for a decade right now, just go there and dig. There's fifteen pages left in the book, you can bring closure to the entire story, just dig up the fucking body." Nope. She says "come with me in the shower and let's fuck" and even though she's possessing the body of the feminazi the Indian guy doesn't find it at all odd and they fuck right there.

There's the keystone cop, who's specialty is not solving crimes, it's seducing other men's wives. He's apparently done it a lot of time, since the book says he has a special room where he goes to have affairs with more women than you will ever date in your entire life.

There's the feminazi who turned total batshit crazy after the girl died. She started smoking pot and drawing the women from Playboy. She writes poetry and sees crimes against women everywhere she goes. Literally. She hallucinates rapes and murders everywhere.



She'll go get coffee and see an apparition behind the counter of a dead woman. Or she'll see a murder taking place on a rooftop across the street. She obsesses over solving the dead girl's murder, but when she finally gets the idea to go to where the body is hidden, and she sees the dead girl's ghost, she doesn't say anything to the Indian boy, she writes it down and then pretends like nothing happened. She passes out for no evident reason and spends a few hours in the most boring Heaven imaginable reading poems to dead beatniks while the dead girl is having sex with her body.

There's the villain who is like the god of all pedophiles.



He's killed at least 20 people but he's so non-threatening, he's so pathetic, that nobody ever suspects him. Except the father, and the sister, but they're dismissed as crazy because the god of pedophiles can't be guilty because all the police in this world are totally incompetent. He has a diagram of the murder scene and the thinnest of tissue paper alibis, and the keystone cops believe him! After ten years everyone forgets about him and the dead girl. The dead girl, hovering over him while he's outside having a smoke, startles him with a falling icicle, he has a heart attack, and dies. On the second to last fucking page. That's how it ends. She literally could have killed him at any time in the entire story, but she waits until the second to last page because I guess the author saw the book was going to end and needed an actual ending or a lot of people would be pissed off. She would have been happy just to let him get away scot free.

Then there's the dead girl herself, who narrates this book. And she talks non-the-fuck-stop about the most boring, tangential crap nobody cares about. This book could have easily been 120 pages, but it just kept going about train rides and tomato plants, and boring every day shit like those old books the so called "great" authors wrote back in the day when they were paid by the word so they wrote these absolutely huge monstrosities that could bore you to sleep. At LEAST half the book is useless tangents that don't advance the story at all.

And you have the absolute most boring depiction of Heaven ever in all of literature. Every day the dead girl sits in a gazebo and watches the people on Earth, and every night all the dead people gather together and have a rock concert or something. It wouldn't even be a week before I got bored of that, let alone eternity.
Dex Stewart
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Boot badge - It's Bootiful
Fried Chicken - Attended an april fools event
Artist -
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Ecto-Phase,Activate!
I just finished watching the remake of Pete's Dragon.
Pete is learning to read in his parents' car. Suddenly,a CGI deer jumps in the road, causing them to swerve and flip over. The parents are now dead, presumably,but Pete is alive.
Don't get too comfortable,Pete,CGI wolves are closing in! Just as they're about to do whatever it is CGI wolves do,in comes CGI Elliot the Dragon! Who is the only good CGI thing in the movie. Years pass and Pete is harassing a bear trying to catch a rabbit. His vocabulary has expanded somehow.
Anyway,Robert Redford is telling some overacting kids about a dragon he saw once. Oh,and a logging plant. Because when I think of Disney,I think blue collar logging plant.
Pete is watching the loggers,and a girl sees him,and follows him into the woods. The girl's mother sees Pete and takes him into town,he escapes while a bunch of people with nothing better to do act like they've never seen a child before. Pete is caught again. Meanwhile,loggers saw a tree tip over,and they're gonna go shoot the hell out of whatever it was,even if they have to wander around the Woods all night. They don't know it was Elliot,why are they do intent on finding what tipped the tree over? The movie already established bears are in the woods. Elliot sneezes on a dude,and they run away.
Pete and the girl from earlier are fiddling with a record player,and I'm starting to wonder,when is this supposed to be set? Elliot flies over some CGI cows to check on Pete.
The next day,Pete takes the girls family to meet Elliot. Immediately,some rednecks show up to tranquilize Elliot. Then they take him to the logging plant.
Robert Redford breaks Elliot out and attempts to free him in the forest. Redneck dumbasses chase after and Elliot burns a bridge down with fakey looking CGI fire.
Elliot accidentally almost kills the good guys,and saves them. Pete stays with the family,and Elliot goes to find other dragons. They reunite a couple years later,the end.
Now imagine all that with an obnoxious score that only goes quiet when there's a bland folk pop song playing.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Two part made for TV movie The Dovekeepers. It's based on a book and produced by the people who made Son of God and The Bible. The movie is about the women who survived the siege of Masada. Part one was mostly adultery. All that adultery didn't sit well with me. It would be alright if we establish ONE of the characters as having an affair in the beginning and then she reunites with the man years later, but both women habitually seduce married men, and those men have a habit of dying, and then the women go on to seduce even more married men without caring a bit about the men who just died. This is the story of the last stand of the Jews against Roman oppression, and the two narrators are notorious whores? Whose idea was that?

Just as a side note, Rome never really "oppressed" anyone, except maybe the Christians early on, but there were really only a few crappy in-bred emperors who did that. We brought civilization to the barbarians, and you would think they'd be grateful for it, but they all just had trouble knowing when they'd been conquered and kept rebelling for some reason.

Let's begin at the beginning. This woman – claimed to be a witch – is having an affair with a married man who happens to be the best warrior in the whole of Judea, and he has a sexy goatee and black leather pants to prove it (I didn't know they had black leather in AD 70, but it looks really cool, I'll admit that). She has a daughter by him who turns out to be transsexual and lives as a boy. She is cast out of the city and has to live with a nomad who has a son with her. The son is a moron and a weakling and his older sister has to take up the slack of fighting and killing people with a bow and arrow like Robin Hood or Robin Hood knock-off girl movie (Hunger Games, which was pretty good actually). The witch leaves with both children to go to Masada, never to see the nomad man again.

Meanwhile there is an red head girl who has a deeply troubled father because her mother died in childbirth. She has an older brother who is literally the only likable character in the whole movie. The brother goes to Masada after wounding a Roman general while he's out playing Assassin's Creed IRL. Red head and the father then leave months later, I guess, to go to Masada also to find the brother. On the way she has sex with a married man literally five feet from his wife. I'm not making this up. This guy wakes up the red head, who he just met, and says something like "Let's go over there, five feet away, and have sex right next to my wife." Then like a week later he and his wife die from some unidentified disease, probably an STD that he got from the red head and then later gave to his wife during make up sex. "Hey, honey, she means nothing to me, I was just really drunk last night and thought she was you. Very drunk." (feel free to use that excuse if you want.) Red head and the father make it to Masada and she gets a job sweeping dove poop. That's literally the only time we see doves in the whole movie, in two scenes where she's sweeping poop.

The tranny is in love with the red head's brother and they frequently run off together to have sex in like warehouses and other places. The witch goes to the cistern to have sex with the chief. I guess no one is worried about sperm getting into the water supply and then several women getting pregnant from bathing. At least half the movie is sex.

A Roman slave – a giant Norwegian man – is taken prisoner by the Jews at Masada and red head seduces him. Red head gives birth to a baby conceived by the dead man who had sex with her one time and the Norwegian man raises the baby as his own, which is awfully nice of him considering that both the Romans and the Jews treat him like a slave. Red head convinces the Norwegian man to go back to Norway in the cover of night but he gets captured and put in jail.

End of part 1.

Part 2. Stuff actually happens in part 2. They really could have made this a single movie. There's so much filler because the book on which it is based is so long.

The witch helps cure the chief's wife's tuberculosis or something and then the wife tries to incite a riot and have the witch killed, but the witch uses her literal magic and causes a rain storm and the mob all of a sudden forgets about killing her.

The witch teaches the red head how to make poison from snake skin and leaves. This is Chekhov's gun, remember it.

The wimpy brother goes off on a raid to kill Romans Assassin's Creed style and the other brother yells at him because he's not even beta and he's going to get everyone killed. He gets stabbed in the leg and cries like a little baby and the other brother carries him back and the witch hates him even though he literally saved his life. The tranny has to dress like the wimpy brother and go off on raids in the future, but she's like Robin Hood and can actually kill people. On another raid, after she's killed like ten Roman soldiers with perfect headshots she sees the other brother – her lover – kill one of the soldiers' wife and daughter, and since only women's lives have value she then hates him forever.

Back at Masada the tranny goes to see the quiet man who saved her life during the raid she wasn't supposed to take part in, and the man says "I'm quiet because my wife died and I promised her to get revenge against the Romans. And I promised her I would never have sex again." Then the two of them have sex right there. I kid you not.

The witch is pregnant again with another kid by the chief. This was thrown in to show just how fertile these people are, I guess.

Red head goes to see the Norwegian and gives him a bow and arrows and tells him to escape, again. I'm not sure what happens to him but we never see him again.

Red head overhears the witch talk to the chief that the chief is injured and needs help when he goes on another raid. Red head makes poison and poisons the Romans secretly and at least fifty of them die and when the Jews get there they don't need to kill anyone because they're all dead already and they're like "whoa, how did that happen?"

Other brother confronts tranny and asks her why she hates him but she won't answer him. He gets rough but he lets her go off because he doesn't want to hurt her. He's probably the one good character in the whole movie, not counting the baby who doesn't do anything.

There's a tender moment where the father is playing with the baby and red head walks in and he apologizes for mistreating her because he was heartbroken over his wife.

The Romans have built a siege tower and are breaking down the walls of Masada. They have catapults that launch flaming boulders and set the city on fire. They dunk the boulders in clear liquid that is super flammable and didn't exist back then, but Hollywood adores fire. Even though we've seen maybe two Jews getting killed by the Romans up to this point because the Jews have super ninja powers and can kill a million Romans, the Jews are worried that the Romans are about to rush in and kill everyone. The chief comes up with the plan that everyone die so that the Romans don't have the pleasure of killing anyone. Other brother goes off and kills the tranny and then the quite man kills him. Though I just saw it I don't remember how the quiet man dies. The chief begs the witch to kill him and she does and then she, red head, the baby, and the wimp go off to the cistern to hide while everyone else dies. The next day the Romans break into the cistern and capture them and take them to Josephus to tell what happened inside the city. Hearing everything they've been through Josephus (Sam Neill — whose first name is Nigel, by the way) lets them go free. The end.

The movie was terrible, unnecessarily long, and I didn't like any of the characters except the designated bad guy brother. I didn't like how the witch literally had magic powers, I didn't like how men were portrayed as utter crap and the adulterous women who seduce everyone were held up as heroes who "don't even need a man." I don't like how every problem but one was caused by the adulterous women and they get a pass like they did nothing wrong. This was like a Harlequin sex fantasy fourth grade reading level pulp book (which it was). It was just crap. Every time I thought I would like a character that character then went off and did something contemptible.

I know the history of Masada. The real history is the only thing that put any real emotion into the last 20 minutes. It is sad what they went through, and the Romans really were the villains in real life, but the characters in the movie were so bad I was actually rooting for the Romans! I don't even know how to rate this movie. I want to say maybe 45/100.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
25 Things I've Learned from the movie Paycheck
I only saw the last 15 minutes of the movie Paycheck, staring Ben Affleck, but I'm pretty sure those were the best 15 minutes.

1. Ben Affleck has ninja powers

2. When Ben Affleck hits someone they stay hit

3. When Ben Affleck hits someone they go flying

4. Ben Affleck can beat four guys armed with machine guns at the same time

5. Ben Affleck built the most advanced computer lab in the world with a miniature pond and smoke machines and palm trees

6. The World's Slowest Man

7. Ben Affleck's enemy is The World's Slowest Man

8. Ben Affleck hacked a computer using only a quarter

9. The World's Slowest Man walks in slow motion when everyone around him runs

10. Ben Affleck can see the future

11. Shooting a liquid nitrogen tank causes an explosion that can destroy a whole giant building

12. Ben Affleck destroyed an entire airport with two marbles

13. In Ben Affleck's world bullets explode in a shower of sparks whenever they hit anything except liquid nitrogen tanks, which they go through like tissue paper

14. In Ben Affleck's world when someone gets shot in the foot they go flying and do a backflip

15. In Ben Affleck's world robot arms that build computers know Kung Fu and can beat up a whole lot of armed guards and give their weapons to Ben Affleck

16. Ben Affleck can lift two man-sized bags of dirt as if they were empty

17. Ben Affleck did a ninja move where he jumped feet first at a man's legs and knocked him through a window that was placed in the middle of a room for some reason

18. If you hit a bullet nothing will happen. If Ben Affleck hits a bullet it fires

19. He's Ben Affleck, you can't out act him!

20. You can't out act Ben Affleck

21. If Ben Affleck is in a movie you know he wins

22. Ben Affleck can MacGyver things

23. Ben Affleck has a line on his face

24. An explosion that destroys an entire building will just slowly cook The World's Slowest Man while incinerating the walls around him in a second so he suffers more because he's the villain

25. When someone is secretly getting Ben Affleck out of a secret building where everyone is looking for him and someone asks "is that Ben Affleck?" the person he's with just has to say "no, he didn't make it," and none of the twenty guys looking for him will recognize him and they will let him go even though he's not even wearing a disguise
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Ben-Hur remake. I saw the 1959 version and it was magnificent. I couldn't think of anything I would change. The new version is a generic action movie of the 2010s. I didn't even watch it. I didn't have to, the trailer is enough.

It begins like every movie trailer since Don LaFontaine died, with a blaring Alpine horn. That horn is in every movie trailer.

CGI ships on a CGI ocean (would it kill them to build a real ship? The movie probably had a $200 million budget).

BBBRRRRRRRRRRRR

Same movie tough ancient guy with messy hair covered in sweat and mud saying something cheesy.

BBBRRRRRRRRRRRR

Exaggerated beating of slaves on a galley.

Deleted scene from 300.

Blue and orange stuff.

BBBRRRRRRRRRRRR

Morgan Freeman with dreadlocks.

Hero covered in shit.

BBBRRRRRRRRRRRR

Malta standing in for Jerusalem again.

CGI army

Everything is covered in shit. Did people not have noses back then?

BBBRRRRRRRRRRRR

Recycled bag of tricks from every action movie of the past decade: cutting just before someone gets hit by a sword, falling at the enemy's feet, woman gasping.

Roman centurion with stubble. He would have been whipped for that.

Roman soldiers with tattered clothing and shit all over their armor. Ancient people liked shiny things just as much as we do today, they would have wiped it off, especially since if they didn't the armor would rust and fall apart. Just like modern soldiers clean their rifles every day ancient soldiers cleaned their weapons and armor every single day. No soldier ever went to battle covered in shit unless it was camouflage.

Generic action movie music.

More generic action movie scenes.

Everything outside is orange, everything inside is blue.

BIG
WORDS
FLASH
ON
THE
SCREEN
BETWEEN
GENERIC
ACTION
SHOTS
BECAUSE
WE
DON'T
HAVE
A
VOICEOVER
GUY
TO
NARRATE
THIS

CGI chariot race when the original had the balls to race real horses. The men in the original were really in mortal danger, now it's generic shit on a green screen.

Whoever made this, I hate you. This is the same movie repackaged in a slightly different way with the title Ben-Hur slapped on. This isn't Ben-Hur, this is Immortals or Gods of Egypt or that Ridley Scott disaster Exodus movie. Exodus is a story you couldn't possibly mess up, with a guaranteed audience of tens of millions, all you have to do is give the people what they expect, but no, Ridley Scott managed to fudge it up in defiance of all reason! He tried to make Gladiator 2 and ended up making a steaming pile of crap. All these movies are exactly the same. 300 is different because it's so over the top, it's so iconic, it never pretends to be anything more than it is, which is a live-action comic book. All these other movies are what happens when someone tries to make 300 clones that take themselves too seriously, and they suck. They all suck. And the new "Ben-Hur" in name only is going to suck, because it's the same thing, and I can't believe people are stupid enough to get amnesia and go see it when they've seen the same thing already fifty times before.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Going through diaries looking for the ratings of every movie I've watched. Here's another:

I watched a retarded movie about zombies called The Cured. For one thing Ellen Page is in it, and she can't act to save her life. The camera man also is suffering from Parkinson's or something, because the camera shakes all the time. Not just during “action” scenes, all the time. The camera shakes when two people are just standing there talking and not doing anything. The camera just shakes. But the worst bit of all is the fact that there is no ending! It's yet another “art” movie that has no ending. The guy is walking through a field with a kid who has been bitten and the is looking for the cure and the movie just stops there before the ending. At least half the movies released in the past five years have no endings and I hate that. It takes a decent premise and ruins it completely by trying to be “art”.
UrbanMysticDee
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Bae > Bay
Last one:

Saw the movie Primal Rage. I don't think they could have possibly ripped Predator off any more. The plot is identical only dumbed down, and several scenes are identical frame for frame only with an alien replaced by bigfoot.

Predator had a compelling, believable, likable villain.

Primal Rage has a villain you're supposed to like because "white men evil" and we get to see it kill white men in the most unnecessarily sadistic ways possible, but it's not likable at all. It's not believable either, and it disregards everything about bigfoot and replaces it with Predator in an ape costume.

Bigfoot doesn't use weapons. Bigfoot doesn't collect human skulls as trophies, bigfoot doesn't use medicinal salve to instantly heal its wounds while screaming, bigfoot doesn't leave blue colored blood splattered on leaves so you can follow it, bigfoot doesn't wear masks only to take the mask off in the final fight to look at the lone survivor, hold him up after he had been crawling around in the mud, and snarl at him with its mouth coming apart like the predator. Bigfoot doesn't abduct and rape white women.

There's also about 30 minutes of nonsensical Indian sub-plots that go absolutely nowhere and are forgotten by the end.

Also the woman from Pumpkinhead whose costume is a Halloween mask of a witch you can buy at Walmart and a fake hump in her back (I also suspect it was a man in the costume).

And at the end the guy finally kills the predator, who is one of the rare villains in a movie I actually viscerally hated and wanted to see die, and then two more predators decloak and kill him because it's WHORRRORRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The villain has to win at the end to be "edgy". "Nothing personnel, kid." I wanted the predator to say that to let me know this was supposed to be a comedy. Instead the after credit scene is the guy in the witch mask laughing at the camera and then SLOWLY walking away for like 2 whole minutes before a red and black skull flashes on the screen. I don't think I've ever seen a movie more try hard than this. There is nothing from my teenage years, or the teenage years of anyone I've ever met (probably) as cringey as this.

Somewhere along the line people stopped trying to make good horror and decided to be edgy as fuck and just devolve into sadistic gore for the sake of pretending to be 14 year old nihilists who talk about Hitler all the time. Plot doesn't matter, good acting doesn't matter, just being more herdcore than everyone else is all that matters.

No one will dispute that Predator or The Thing or Halloween or Phantasm have totally earned their R-rating. Even a movie like Saw, before the series became a cash grab that abandoned the concept of believably altogether, was nothing compared to this. This devolves straight into the territory of The Human Centipede, being violent, nonsensical, and nihilistic to the utmost for absolutely no artistic purpose whatsoever.
Dex Stewart
Chatty Kirin - A user who has reached a combined 1000 forum posts or comments.
Boot badge - It's Bootiful
Fried Chicken - Attended an april fools event
Artist -
Liberty Belle - Sings the song of the unchained

Ecto-Phase,Activate!
@UrbanMysticDee
Holy crap,a bigfoot movie,bad?!
Unheard of.
Seriously though,I agree with everything you said, except there are a disturbing number of films where bigfoot abducts and/or rapes people, usually white women.
Syntax quick reference: *bold* _italic_ [spoiler]hide text[/spoiler] @code@ +underline+ -strike- ^sup^ ~sub~